vituperation

Congratulations to reader Suzy, who was randomly selected from those who correctly identified Danny Bonaduce as the child actor who attacked a transvestite prostitute.

So I went back to work at my office today. I’ve been working all week - even for two hours the day after my surgery - from home, because I have a cushy software-developing job that pretty much lets me work anywhere there’s a chair, a computer, and a network connection. Hell, the chair is even optional, I guess.

I walked over to my main customer’s site, about a quarter of a mile from my office, to be seen and to display that I was, in fact, still alive. I shared many anecdotes with people there, among them the story of how I have to use a lamb’s wool paint roller to roll on my swelling to help break it up.

About half an hour after I got back to my office, I got an email from someone at the site where I’d been.

"What kind of paint roller did you say you had to use?" it asked, "I thought I might get one and see if I could roll some of my fat around to different places on my body."

Shit you not. And people wonder why I get paid so much.

Early in the Clinton administration, Hilary convened a secretive group co-headed by Ira Magaziner, if my memory is working properly. The purpose of this clandestine group was to "reform" national health care. Ultimately, Hilary’s plan failed, which was a good thing, I thought, because I’m all for capitalism.

"Let them charge what the market will bear!" I declared.

I got my itemized bill from the hospital today.

Mind if I share a few tidbits? Oh wait, I can do anything I want here, it’s my site.

Holy fucking shit.

Ten bucks for a tablespoon of water? Evian doesn’t even cost that much.

Almost five bucks per staple?

FIFTY FUCKING DOLLARS EACH FOR MY PAIN IN THE ASS DRAIN TUBES? You know, when the two were removed Monday—before I got the bill—he just blithely tossed them in the trash. Shit, run those motherfuckers through a dishwasher, we’ll use ‘em again the next someone needs surgery.

Thirty-two dollars for a warm blanket I didn’t get to keep? They charge thirty-two dollars for the privilege of laying under their "blanket", which is really like a big towel. And hell, I was even cold again before they took me back to the operating room.

Three bucks for a pain pill? This is the same pill that I got 30 of at the grocery store. For sixteen dollars.

You know who I blame for this?

Not the government. Not the greedy doctors and hospitals. Not the insurance companies.

I blame the fuckheads of this country who will sue a doctor at the drop of a hat, and the shysters ambulance chasers lawyers who will stoop to the level of filing a frivolous lawsuit. If you’re one of these, I blame you. I did a little Googling tonight, and found some interesting things.

• Over 90% of medical students in West Virginia leave the state after their education, because of the cost of malpractice insurance there - a direct result of lawsuits
• In a recent lawsuit against a Texas cardiologist, over 100 of the plaintiffs suing the doctor had never been seen by him.
• Lawyers have filed malpractice suits (thrown out, thankfully) on behalf of people who asked them not to sue.
• 84% of malpractice lawsuits are thrown out of court. Every single one has to be paid to defend.
• 12% of OB/GYNs have dropped obstetric practicing because of lawsuits.
• According to the government’s General Accounting Office (GAO), liability costs the nation $22,000,000,000 every year.
• In the 80’s (I couldn’t find the stats for the 90’s), malpractice insurance costs increased, on average, 15.1% every year.
• A doctor has a 38% average chance (up to 78% for obstetricians) of being sued each time he treats someone, regardless of the treatment he gives.
• One of the biggest costs in health care is "defensive medicine" - the ordering of unnecessary tests by your doctor to cover his ass should you decide to sue him.
• An OB/GYN was called in because a patient’s water had broken and the umbilical cord was visible. He delivered the baby successfully. Then was sued by the patient’s husband for "mental duress", because the husband witnessed the birth.
• While climbing a mountain, a man fell 90 feet and had to be rescued by paramedics and a physician during a difficult nighttime helicopter rescue. To thank them, he sued for $12,000,000.

You know, the solution seems fairly simple here: stop the bullshit lawsuits and our medical costs will go down.

Put a cap on punitive damages to something reasonable. Mental duress is not, for the record, reasonable.

Adopt a common sense "loser pays" policy in lawsuits, so that if you sue and lose, you pay your legal costs and the defendant’s.

And, as Shakespeare says, "First thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers."

On a side note, I’m really NOT upset with the costs of the surgery; I knew what they were before I signed the dotted line. In all reality, I was simply surprised by how high some of the items were.

I still think killing the lawyers is a good start, though.