vituperation

June 28, 2002

Many thanks go out to reader Cindy, who bought me No Need for Speed from my Amazon wish list. It is greatly appreciated.

V. I. Tuperate is pleased to announce the release of its latest t-shirt on an unsuspecting public. The shirt, part of the award winning “Tuper-wear” line, is pictured below, worn by cover model Phineass Bahd.

The shirt was well received in its initial unveiling to the public, making the rounds of the upper class in Hartselle, Alabama. At the first stop, the Rich farm, all chicken-dipping and fly-swatting stopped when Mr. Bahd stepped to the table to pick up an order of freshly slaughtered chickens. Chief among his shirt’s admirers was the 12-ish Rich girl, who proclaimed the shirt virtually the greatest she’d ever seen.

Mr. Bahd, always eager to get the attention of members of the opposite sex, responded by teaching the girl how to catch flies with her bare hands. Mr. Bahd has a new fan now.

From the chicken farm Mr. Bahd and his assistant Bitch E. Poo went to the Cirque le C, a local refreshment and refueling establishment. After a short visit to the men’s powder room for freshening up, Mr. Bahd made an appearance at the bar, where he purchased Cola si Diet (all the rage in Europe, you know) drinks for himself and his assistant.

The female attendant was quite taken with the stunning figure Mr. Bahd cut in his new Tuper-wear shirt.

“That’s one of my faaaaaaaaaaaavorite sayings!” she proclaimed breathlessly.

“I like it too,” Mr. Bahd said, edging toward the door, because he’d been once trapped in this particular venus flytrap of an establishment by a different attendant who mistakenly thought he would be interested in a fifteen-minute discussion of the repaving of a local road.

“Yep,” the attendant said, “I love to say that. And ‘and what?’ is my other favorite saying.”

Mr. Bahd, who was starting to sweat, said, “heh,” and took another step toward the door.

“Oh yeah, I either say ‘And your point is…’ or ‘And what?’ whenever I need to. Yep. Where’d you get that shirt?”

Phineass explained that the shirt was available for a limited time at the high-class Kohl’s Department Store in the yuppied village of Madison, for only $12.99. He then ran, his beautiful V. I. Tuperate shirt flapping magnificently in the wind. He cut quite a figure as he ran across the parking lot to his automobile.

Finally, Mr. Bahd and his assistant visited the Way a la Sub, Hartselle’s answer to haute cuisine. Once again, Mr. Bahd presented himself to the females working, but to no avail. The establishment was packed with Hartselle’s movers and shakers, and the employees were far too busy to comment on the new Tuper-wear.

We here at V. I. Tuperate hope you’re impressed with the response of the public to our latest creation. Find yours today at the higher-end stores in your area.