vituperation

July 19, 2002

Congratulations go out to reader Ann, who was randomly selected from all the Googlewhacks and will be receiving the Les Miserables video shortly. The winning Googlewhack was “cardiologist graverobber”, and it was one of several that were particularly funny. Some other funny ones include:

• "charbroiled xylophone"
• "whangdoodle fetishes"
• "philodendron iterations"
• "rutabaga rumplestiltskin"

The best part is that none of these will be Googlewhacks for long, now that I’ve posted them here.

Hee!

Overheard earlier this afternoon, when we were on the way home from Arby’s:

Robyn: "Did you hear that Sharon’s [Osbourne] cancer had spread?"

Fred: "No, but I heard she was going for chemo. I guess that’s why. Did you hear about Ozzy?"

Robyn: "He was hysterical, I heard."

Fred: "Seems like I read they had to sedate him."

Robyn: "It’s weird. I dreamed I had cancer last night."

Fred: "Oh yeah? I dreamed I had sex with a black woman."

Robyn: "Don’t be an asshole!"

You know, sometimes life is funny. My original plan today was to post an old entry about a visit to a massage parlor because (a) I had nothing else to write about today, because my life has the occasional dull spots, and (b) someone asked on the much-in-need-of-new-posters forums. But then today happened, and now I have an entry.

Around 1:30, my wife wandered into my office and turned on the light. I’m like a mushroom at the job - I do my best work in the dark. She was holding a small folded newspaper, and she looked a little incensed.

“Look at this,” she said, and tossed the paper down onto my desk. I was still blinking and trying to get used to the fact that the lights were on.

The newspaper looked much like a tabloid, but was touted as an “Entertainment Guide” and came from West Virginia. This particular issue was from April, and was entirely devoted to bogus stories. On the front cover was the following headline:

I looked up expectantly at my wife.

“Turn to page seven,” she said. I turned to page seven.

And this is what I found. [Use your browser’s ‘back’ button to return. Go now. Check it out.]

Yes, it is me. I know, right off my web site with the big ole’ copyright notice on each and every page. For shame, for shame, for shame.

Sure, I could be mad. I could call them and bluster and threaten to sue. Hell, I might even be able to win if I did that. But that’s not me, that’s not the kind of person I am. Oh, and for the record, Robyn’s not mad, she was just a little cheesed that they took the picture without asking.

We’re both laughing about it now (though I wish they’d written a better story to go with it), and I have a much better idea than a mere lawsuit.

I’m going to call them, explain things, and see if they want to do a story about the story, as in, “We posted this picture and got a call three months later from some guy in Alabama. Turns out it was a picture of him, and this is what he looks like now.” A story like that could be good, and funny.

And hey, I can pimp the book, right? The best way to get a market is to create interest, I say.

Many thanks to reader Jacqueline in West Virginia for sending the paper.

This just in: Reader Ann (not the same Ann who won the Googlewhack contest) just wrote me to tell me that Mr. Walmart smiley from the last contest is enjoying his new home in Canada, and she sent me a picture of him, which can be viewed right here.