vituperation

September 11, 2002

Because you - no matter where you are in the world - know what today is, because every news outlet and most personal web sites are saturating you with memories, and because I’ve done my share helping with that saturation elsewhere on this site, today’s journal entry is a celebration of the mundane aspects of life, because those are what heal us.

Many thanks to reader Martha, who sent me 1776 on DVD from my Amazon wish list; it is greatly appreciated.

Monday, I took my Jeep to the shop for some engine work and to get new tires. I learned something valuable while there, namely to think before I speak. I’m a chitchatter most of the time (though I have my moments, which is why I read books like How to Be a People Magnet) as is evidenced by my ability to have a ten minute conversation with people I’ve never met while I’m buying something. Sometimes this backfires on me, because my tongue has been known to outrun my mouth on occasion.

Monday was one such occasion.

The guy behind the counter, who also happened to be the owner of this particular business, was recommending a particular tire to me. He explained the various features, which went in one ear and out the other because I am with vehicle-talk the way my wife is with computer-talk.

“Yeah,” he said, “this one has the ultra fackled gizmot bender, which makes it grip the road during the rain.”

I nodded sagely, trying to keep my eyes from glazing over.

“And the tread? Oh, the tread is made out of galvanic timbletopes, and the steel-belts are arthromorphical in their larpdangles.”

I smiled and nodded again. The only things I know, or want to know, about my car is where the key goes and where the gasoline goes.

“It has pretty white letters on the sides!” he said, excitedly.

Pretty white letters on the sides? Well hell, why didn’t he just say that at the beginning?

“I’ll take them,” I said.

“They’re very popular, lots of SUVs have them,” he added.

“They won’t blow out on me and cause my Jeep to roll over and kill me, will they?” I said with a big smile, because I love to make little jokes when I chitchat.

And then it dawned on me, as his brow narrowed, that I was actually standing in a Firestone.

Getting all the other stuff fixed on the Jeep was $600, on top of the price of the tires. I’d like to tell you what they did, but I don’t really know. I mean, I have the receipt and everything, and I know what some of the things are, but the only thing I can tell you for sure is that it seems to run better and have more pep now.

Of course, for $600 I guess I should expect that, right? Hell, I should probably expect flowers and a lubricant, too, but I didn’t get either of those.

I am the Grill God.

Last night, I grilled a nice London Broil - on real charcoal, remember - and it was the total shit. I foresee much more steak in the future. We also had baked taters, but they didn’t quite get done because we had to do them in the oven since the microwave was broken (but got it fixed this morning, woohoo!) and didn’t cook them long enough. I also grilled a chicken yesterday, which we’ll be eating tonight.

My God, I love my grill.

Alrighty, let’s give something away. All you have to do to win is be the person I randomly select from the correct emails I receive. Make sure the subject of your email is “WINGS”, or your entry will be discarded. Today’s prize is a copy of the book How to Build a Time Machine, in hardback, by Paul Davies.

Your task, should you be interested in trying to win the book, which, incidentally, I’ll ship anywhere in the world free of charge? Just tell me the name of the man pictured below.

Picture removed because contest is over

I’ll collect entries until 5:00 CST on Friday the 13th, at which time I will notify the winner. Good luck!