vituperation

September 13, 2002

Many thanks to the reader who sent me a pound of Antiguan coffee from Alaska, I greatly appreciate it. Reader, there’s not really a note or anything to indicate who this is from or even if it was sent from someone who reads this site, so if you DID send it, please email me and let me know so I can thank you properly.

The true beauty of this pound of coffee is that I’m running out of Mecca coffee before our trip there next month, and was just whining to Robyn that I was going to have to buy some more from someplace local before the trip. And now, like magic, this.

Many thanks also to everyone who voted in yesterday’s poll; the bottom picture was the winner, and the one both Robyn and I had been leaning towards using all along. It was a close race, vote-wise, but at the time I elected to use the bottom picture (when 500 votes had been cast) it was winning, 53% to 47%. If you feel compelled to email me to tell me why I chose the wrong picture, please don’t.

Let us hope the picture accomplishes its mission, and be prepared to blame everyone who voted for it if it doesn’t.

I have a credit card with a balance. Only one, but that’s one too many. In an effort to get the card paid off, I decided yesterday (after discussing it with my wife, of course) to open another credit card account and transfer the balance to the new card for zero-percent interest. Doing this will, of course, help the balance get paid quicker because more money is going directly to the principle each month.

Then, I got home after work and found the following letter from my credit card company - importantly marked as being from the desk of Brian Davis, Senior Vice President - waiting for me:

Dear Fred:

In the financial news lately, the one consistently bright spot is mortgage interest rates. They haven’t been this low in decades! And now, thanks to your existing relationship with [Fred’s credit card company], you can refinance your current mortgage by phone and enjoy the big savings.

[Company] has special mortgage and home equity programs reserved excusively for current [company] customers with rates that are among the lowest in the industry. Plus, [company] makes it ultra-convenient. Just call [800-number] and a knowledgeable Loan Officer will customize a loan package to meet your individual needs.

Even if you are just curious about your options, call [company] today. You owe it to yourself - and your financial future - to find out how much you can benefit by refinancing your home mortgage with [company]. There is no obligation, call [800-number] today.

Sincerely,
Brian G. Davis
Senior Vice President

P.S. [company] can assist you with all your home mortgage needs - with outstanding rates and custom packages for refinancing, home equity loans and lines of credit, and first mortgages. For current rates and more information, call [800-number], Monday through Thursday from 8 a.m. to midnight, Friday, 8 to 7, or Saturday, 8 to 2, Eastern time.

Normally, I throw things like this away. I particularly throw things from this company away because they love to send blank checks in the mail. You know, the blank checks that anyone could use to write checks against my credit card account.

Somehow or other, the letter didn’t get immediately discarded, and I happened to spot it on my desk just before I went upstairs to take a nice long bath and finish Anger Kills (pretty decent book, for the record). As I reached the top of the stairs, I had a flash of inspiration, and today, I sent the following letter to Brian G. Davis, Senior Vice President:

Dear Mr. Davis:

I am writing you in response to your letter dated September 5, a copy of which is attached. I am intrigued by your offer to refinance my mortgage, and I’d like to make you an offer for doing just that. You see, yesterday morning - before your letter arrived - I had decided to transfer my [company] Mastercard balance (my only credit card balance) to another card at another credit card company in order to save interest.

Then I got your letter, and I had an idea.

Since I’m a strong believer in asking for things, no matter what answer I expect to receive, I’ll ask you this: Will [company] be willing to completely eradicate my Mastercard balance in exchange for refinancing my mortgage? I’m willing, assuming we come to terms on interest rates and such, to agree - in writing - to keep my mortgage with [company] for a minimum of seven years. Since my mortgage is currently about $[money], that’s a guaranteed almost $[money] of pure interest for [company]. My Mastercard balance is far less than $[money], so it appears to be a win-win situation. In the event that I sell my house and move, I’m also willing to agree to use [company] for that mortgage, too, assuming it falls within the seven years.

What say you, Mr. Davis? Shall we conduct business, or shall I leave my mortgage where it is and take my credit card elsewhere? I can be reached via mail at the above address or by phone at [number]. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
Fred

Though I don’t expect it, it would totally rock if this works out. If / when I hear from Brian G. Davis, I’ll share the response, of course.

I mean, unless they agree to do it and ask me not to tell anyone, or something.