vituperation

November 29, 2002

Wednesday morning at 9:00 as the day begins*, I was sitting at my desk at work busily trying to decode an ASN.1 encoded digital signature by hand (I love the simple things in life, you know) when my phone rang. It was Robyn, calling from her cell phone.

"I’m in the parking lot at Michael’s," she said, "with the spud. When I turned the Jeep off the key wouldn’t come out. It turns and the radio comes on, but I can’t get the key out and the Jeep doesn’t make any noise."

Our conversation went back and forth as I suggested things and asked questions to no avail. Finally, I sighed mightily and told her I’d come up there. We hung up, and I took one last loving look at my partially decoded digital signature before leaving.

At Michael’s, Robyn was standing in the parking lot by her Jeep, looking perturbed. She reiterated the problem and its strangeness one more time before flouncing over to my nice warm Jeep, leaving me to deal with the problem in her icy cold one. The spud sat next to me in the passenger seat for a moment, offering helpful comments like "It’s cold" before also heading off to my heated Jeep.

I twisted the key. I turned it. I pushed, I pulled, and I cursed. It was just like Robyn said - it turned both ways but would neither start the Jeep nor come out of the ignition. I cursed some more for good measure, and debated calling AAA to come tow the Jeep to the dealership, which was less than a mile away.

And then I had a flash of brilliance. I could call the dealership; maybe they’d have some idea of what the problem could be. I used Robyn’s cell phone - mine was at home, charging - to call my office manager so she could look the number up for me, then called the service department at Madison Square Chrysler Jeep.

"Service, this is Andy," a voice said over the phone.

"Hi, my wife’s Jeep is having a weird problem and I wanted to describe it first before having it towed there, to see if you have any suggestions. The key will turn in the ignition but it won’t come out and the Jeep never starts."

Helpfully, I turned the key in the ignition as though he could see.

"Hmmm," he said, "that could be a couple of things. Is the steering wheel locked?"

I turned the steering wheel. Difficult, because the power wasn’t on, but it still turned.

"Nope," I replied, "it’s not locked."

"What about the gearshift?" he asked, "Is it in Park?"

I looked down at the gearshift. The gearshift was in Drive. I sighed, and cast a stinkeye over to my wife, who looked warm and content in my Jeep.

"No," I said morosely, feeling stupid, "it’s in Drive. Thanks for your help."

We hung up, and I put the shifter in Park. The key, of course, popped right out after I did that. I gave my wife another evil look for good measure before getting out and taking the key to her.

"Damn," she said with a grin, "I was hoping it was broken for good so I could get a little yellow Beetle."

Hmph to her, I say.

Want a copy of Affluenza? Answer my question below correctly and it could be yours. Email your answer and I’ll select one of the correct ones Monday December 2 at 5:00 CST. One entry per person please, and make the topic of your email to me "VIDEO" or it will be discarded.

Everyone knows what the first video ever played on MTV is; that’s simple. What I want to know is what the 1,000,000th video played was. Can you tell me the artist and title?

Good luck!

Have a terrific weekend.

* Fellow Grammar Nazis, I realize I changed tenses in the middle of the sentence. That starting phrase was a nod to the Beatles.