vituperation

March 7, 2003

Congratulations are in order for reader Shannon, who correctly told me that the picture from my last entry was Elijah Wood (aka Frodo) in the movie Back to the Future II. I think this is the first contest I’ve had where I got more wrong answers than right ones.

I must be getting better at it.

B-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!

I shifted in my chair as the phone rang, tinny-sounding in my ear. The receiver was tucked in under my chin and I idly surfed the web while I waited.

Click! “B and L Photography, may I help you?”

“Hi, I was wondering if there’s someone there who can answer some questions about getting pictures made.”

I am a master of the obvious question when on the phone.

“Sure, I can help you. What do you need to know?”

“If I get a photo set done with you, can I purchase the negatives or do you keep them and charge me every time I want a copy of my picture?”

“Oh, you can buy the negatives, that’s no problem.”

“And I can use them any way I want to, right?”

As I look over this conversation, I realize I most likely sounded like a pervert to the woman on the other end of the line.

“Yes sir, you can use them any way you want to.”

“Okay.” My humor bug bit me hard then, and bit me fast. “Can you make an ugly person good-looking?”

There was a long and uncertain silence from the other end.

“You mean like take out a few wrinkles?”

“No, can you make an ugly person look good?”

I listened to the silence, wondering where I’d gone wrong.

“You mean can we mask a disfigurement or something?”

Nothing sucks like having a joke go horribly, horribly wrong.

We were seated, Robyn and I, on our respective couches the other night when the spud wandered in carrying a copy of The Everything Cat Book held open.

“Guess what we talked about at church last week?” she said. Yeah, she goes to a church youth group once a week. I know. We think it’s a failure in our parenting skills, too.

“What?” Robyn asked.

The spud held the book out with her finger pointed at one of the pages. A close inspection revealed she was underscoring the word ’sex’.

“You talked about cat sex?” Robyn asked.

The spud gave a mighty roll of her eyes.

“No,” she said, and sighed for dramatic effect. “People.”

I joined the conversation, because as a man I love me some sex talk. “What did they teach you about sex?”

“They taught us The Nine Destructive Truths About Premarital Sex.” I could hear the italics in her voice when she spoke.

Robyn and I shared a glance.

“Like?” Robyn said.

“STDs.”

“What’s another one?” I asked.

“Character.”

“What?” I blinked, confused.

“If you have premarital sex you’ll have a bad character. Like when people talk about you and call you a s-l-u-t.”

Robyn and I shared another look.

“Do you mean reputation?” Robyn asked.

“Oh. Yeah.”

“What’s another one of The Nine Destructive Truths About Premarital Sex?” I asked.

“I don’t know, I didn’t pay attention.”

“So you’re telling us you’re going to go have premarital sex because you only know two of The Nine Destructive Truths About Premarital Sex?” I raised my eyebrows at her.

“NO! GROSS!” She made a big production to show how grossed out she was at the notion of premarital sex.

“Did they use any Bible verses when they were telling you The Nine Destructive Truths About Premarital Sex?”

“A couple.”

“Did they use the one where it says you’ll burn forever in the fires of hell if you have premarital sex?” (Don’t believe me? Go read I Corinthians 6:9-10. Paul also lumped adulterers, gay people, idolaters, drunks, swindlers, thieves, male (but not female!) prostitutes, greedy folks, and slanderers in with the sexually immoral people. Oh yeah. Close your mail client. )

“No, they didn’t.”

Church sure has changed since I was a kid.