vituperation

May 23, 2003

I’m selling audiobooks on eBay, if you’re interested.

I knew it. Knew that all it would take would be a little while for them to start rolling in. Sure enough, three weeks after I wrote about getting Mr. Fancypants shaved, guess who shows up in the #5 spot on an MSN search for “pussy shaver”?

I feel as though I’ve accomplished something.

You know it’s a slow day at work when you find yourself standing out behind your office with your business partner, watching the ladybugs mate.

And having an in-depth conversation about it.

On the lighter side (speaking of slow days), if my company ever folds I could probably get work as a possum-wrangler, having wrangled no less than three of the little boogers in the last couple of weeks.

Time for the first installment of “reader questions.” Reader Donna took my request for questions to heart, and asked the following:

What will you and the Robyn do when the spud moves out and goes to college or whatever?

First, I expect we’ll sing a rousing chorus of “Free At Last,” after which we’ll most likely have some sort of big party. Then finally, after we’re used to it and no longer giddy from the sheer joy of being able to have sex without wondering if she’s outside our bedroom door, I imagine life will more or less be the same as it ever was.

Is your marriage happy?

Supposing for a moment that my marriage weren’t happy — which it most assuredly is — would anyone really expect me to say that on a public site that my wife reads?

Hopefully, the things we write about one another are indicative of the happiness in our marriage. Then again, maybe it’s the things we write about each other that led reader Donna to ask that.

What color are your eyes?

My eyes are most definitely brown. With some green thrown in. Which technically makes them hazel, I guess. Here, you tell me:

Damn, that sun I was squinting into was bright.

What’s up with the book?

All that remains is getting the real cover designed, the interior laid out, and the printing done. I’m hoping to have it available in August.

What are your views on world peace?

It will never happen, as long as people are involved. Someone somewhere always has to fuck it up for the rest of us.

Which cat do you like the best? I know Robyn loves Miz Poo.

Though I say Spot’s my favorite, the more honest answer would probably be Tubby or Mr. Fancypants, because they’re so much more personable. Spot’s too damn skittish.

Do you do any of the gardening, and if so, whats your favorite thing to do?

I’m in charge of the foodstuffs growing — tomatoes, habaneros, strawberries, and cantaloupes — as well as the roses and the yard in general. All kidding aside, my favorite thing to do is cut the grass, as long as it’s on a bright, sunny, and hot day (see above).

How many times do you and Robyn talk during the day while you’re at work?

Generally, two to six times, with several emails back and forth, too. If something’s going on, or one of us is bored, that number is very likely to go up.

Who does the cooking?

For the most part Robyn cooks Monday - Thursday, we don’t cook on Friday, and I cook on Saturday and Sunday. Occasionally we have to mix things up, but a gambling person would face good odds betting on those.

Do you help around the house?

I help mostly by staying out of the way.

Generally, I’m in charge of the “guy” (yeah, yeah, call me a stereotyping sexist) stuff like fixing things, cutting the grass, dealing with the roses and whatnot, painting, critter removal, and so on. Robyn usually handles the cleaning and shopping-type stuff, though I’m the grocery-getter early Saturday morning, when I go see all my love interests at Publix.

How about Dr Phil and Oprah?

Like, in a threesome? No thanks. If you’re asking something more mundane, like if I watch them or not, I generally don’t. Occasionally if they’re having a show about fat people or weight issues I’ll watch.

I find that I agree with Dr. Phil more often than Oprah. I suspect that it’s because I haven’t mastered the art of touchy-feely yet.

Corn. To pop or eat raw?

To pop, most definitely. Matter of fact, I generally eat popcorn as part of my snack most every night of the week except Friday, at which time I have something like ice cream with peanut butter and m&ms in it.

If you like popcorn, the guys at Kernel Seasons make some fine stuff to shake on it.

What kind of weather do you like the most?

Hot, dry, and sunny. More or less the way it should get here from June until October. Gorgeous weather, though between you guys and me, I could deal with someone racheting the humidity dial down a notch or two.

If there was one thing you’d like to change about yourself or Robyn, what would it be?

Most likely I’d add some sort of flaw to myself, because, let’s face it, being this perfect can be a pain in the ass on occasion. I suppose the one thing I’d change about Robyn is her unwillingness to admit that I am perfection personified.

Damn. I just realized my driver’s license is going to expire Tuesday. Oh well. I guess I need a new one, given that I don’t look a whole lot like the guy pictured:

Holy SHIT.

Do you have any burning questions about me you’d like to ask? Send me an email, ask your question, and you might see it answered here, for all the world to see.