vituperation

August 22, 2003

So I’m going in for my annual physical on Monday. I’m going to give Dr. Judy a copy of my book since she’s in it, and she’s going to stick her finger up my ass.

I feel like I’m getting the short end of that trade.

I originally wrote a big long section here about Judge Roy Moore and the whole brouhaha about his Decalogue, but I decided it would enrage too many people and removed it. Please pretend you read it, enjoyed it, and were only slightly enraged by it.

My opinion can be summed up with a single quote from Thomas Jefferson:

“Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between man & his god, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legitimate powers of government reach actions only, and not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, thus building a wall of separation between church and state.”

The spud was at the doctor last week getting a cough checked out (it was bronchitis) and Dr. Judy, during her examination, found a lump on the spud’s neck. Nodules on the thyroid, she thought it was, and ordered an ultrasound. Sure enough the ultrasound revealed the lump as a multi-nodular goiter and Dr. Judy prescribed some thyroid medicine, which she said should make it go away.

The spud has a goiter.

I don’t know about you, but when I think of a goiter, I think of those old black-and-white medical pictures in the encyclopedia that show someone standing around with a cantaloupe growing off their neck. The spud’s is not like this. It’s small, and you’d never notice it unless you knew it was there.

But once you know about it, you can’t not see it. Its pull is magnetic, drawing your eyes to it like Elvis to a fried banana sandwich. It pulls the spud’s hand to it too, and she has a new affectation: standing around staring into space almost as if she’s meditating, and contemplatively stroking her goiter.

Interestingly, the spud already knew about her goiter, but she thought it was her Adam’s apple. She was quite suprised when I pointed out that her Adam’s apple was, in fact, not on the side of her neck.

I swear, working with Amazon is enough to give anyone a complex until you figure out their system.

Here’s how it works: you sign their agreement, which states that you’ll give them a certain (huge) discount from the cover price of your book, as well as cover shipping to ship copies to them. Their ordering system is automated, and will let you know when they need new copies. You have two days to confirm an order from them, and they ask that you ship to them within seven days.

The initial order came Monday, for two copies, which we sent right away via media mail (before we read that they’d prefer priority mail). Wednesday, another order came, for a single book.

“Hmmm,” I said to Robyn, “someone must’ve ordered one when I mentioned it in that entry Monday.”

But the order for a single copy was irksome, because if you add what it cost me to make the book and the cost of shipping one copy to them via priority mail, I’d actually lose money on the book. What the hell is up with that?

“Dammitall,” I said to Robyn, “let’s hold off a day and see if they order any more. Then we can ship them together and maybe not get reamed on the shipping.”

Sure enough, another order came in Thursday morning, two more copies. Coolness. I don’t know who’s buying it, but thank you. Robyn got the package of three books ready to go for our evening dropoff at the post office.

And another order, for two more, came in.

“Good God,” I said to Robyn, “this is insane. We’re going to get nickeled and dimed to death on the shipping. Why can’t they just order a case? By God, we’ll hold this one until Saturday morning.”

Overnight, two more orders came in, each requiring two books. About 5:30 this morning, a fourth came, then a fifth at about 11:30. As it stands, they’re waiting on ten books now. I think I finally understand why they give you seven days to ship — it’s so you don’t get eaten alive on the postage.

If any of you bought one of the fifteen that Amazon has ordered, thank you. If you were holding out until it was available there here’s a direct link. It even qualifies for free shipping if you spend $25 in your order.

I’m off now to tell the BIG list that the book’s ready on Amazon. Maybe that’ll cause another two-copy order to come through.

Have a terrific night.