j031017 (imported)
October 17, 2003
Lordy. Stanley’s gut is getting so big now he sways back and forth when he walks. I’m surprised it doesn’t drag the ground yet.
He loves to lay on his back and get his little round potbelly rubbed, like he’s a feline Buddha. I’m guessing he feels pretty good these days.
I was in the kitchen at work today, talking with a co-worker. Let us call him “Tex” shall we?
“Yeah,” Tex said, “like you have a life.”
“Hey,” I replied, “I’m going to see Miss Saigon next week. That’s a life.”
“Who’s Miss Saigon?”
Hilarity — and my best redneck impression as I explained the concept of them there Broadway show thangs — ensued.
This morning, as I came out of Atlanta Bread carying my coffee and cinnamon rolls (yeah, rolls, baby!), I witnessed something a little odd. The black woman who was in front of me got one step into the parking lot, then suddenly squealed with alarm and ran to her car, trying to cover her head with her empty hand all the while.
What was coming from the sky can’t even honestly be called a sprinkle. Seriously, I got hit by maybe three little drops between the front of the store and my Jeep, which was parked WAY down the lot. It sure looked to me like she got hit by one drop and freaked out. Which led me to think of something: at some point in my life I heard that black women don’t like to get their hair wet.
What’s up with that?
I mean, is it just some race-based stereotype, or is it true? Something in my head tells me I either heard Oprah say it, or heard someone (Robyn, I think) say that Oprah said it. Is it true? Does it have something to do with a product they’ve put in their hair, or is it something with the hair itself? If you know, please sound off in the comments.
A Google of “black women hair wet” yielded no clues, though all the porn kept me entertained for quite a while.
Warning: The rest of this entry will very probably offend you if you consider yourself a devout Christian. Please don’t bitch to me if you are (offended, that is, not a devout Christian), because you were warned.
The spud won’t be going to church any more, it seems. Wednesday, she was making her bed (I had to get on her after school because she hadn’t made her bed all week, and she KNOWS she’s supposed to. Dang those teenagers, always testing the limits of the rules.) when I walked into her room.
“Are you going to church tonight?” I asked. I asked from time to time on Wednesdays, always in hopes that she’d say no so I could go do a private happy dance at not having to go out to pick her up at 8:30. Lazy? Me? Pshaw.
“Did I go last week?”
“No, you were out of school, remember?” She generally skipped the church stuff when school was out because we’d taken her once and no one else showed up.
“Yeah, I’ll go,” she said, rather halfheartedly.
I went downstairs to hang out in the kitchen with Robyn while she made dinner. As we talked, I thought about how the spud didn’t really seem to be all that interested in going to church. Several recent memories bubbled up.
—
The youth minister, let us call him “Anthony,” had given the kids a lecture several weeks ago on the eeeeeeeeeevils of homosexuality and the “homosexual agenda”. After explaining to the kids just how bad gay people are and how they’ll burn in hell for all of eternity (perhaps Anthony is related to Fred Phelps?), he told them a rousing story of how once a gay man had tried to put the moves on him. According to Anthony, he (Anthony, not the gay guy) “nearly threw up” because he was so disgusted.
I understand Jesus felt the very same way about sinners and prostitutes.
Oh, wait. Sorry, wrong Jesus. For the “real” Jesus, please see Luke 7 (verses 36-50) and John 8 (verses 1-7).
Just a couple of weeks ago, Anthony shared with the church kids how eeeeeeeeeeevil the TV show Charmed — one of the spud’s favorite shows — is. And Harry Potter, that pesky little wizard boy, as well as anything (television, book, movie) that mentioned witches, warlocks, and any number of eeeeeeeeevil things of which Anthony does not approve. They’re OF THE DEBBIL, you know.
When the spud told Robyn and I of this, I couldn’t resist.
“Why don’t you ask Anthony how he feels about Halloween?”, I quipped, knowing full well what his response would be. “It’ll be here soon, you know. All those little ghouls running around.”
It’s OF THE DEBBIL, too, you know.
—
These thoughts were on my mind in the kitchen, and they led me back upstairs to the spud’s door. She was sitting on the bed.
“If you don’t want to go to church,” I said, “you don’t have to. It doesn’t seem like you really want to go tonight. They’re not trying to make you feel guilty if you don’t want to go, are they? Trust me, I know all about it: I used to be one of them.”
She nodded.
“Who’s trying to make you feel guilty? Anthony?”
“All my friends.”
“How long have they been doing it?”
“For a year! They said I’d go to hell if I didn’t go!”
She burst into tears.
Fucking Bible-thumpers, I thought. I wanted to say that to her, but of course I didn’t.
“Well, if you don’t want to go, just tell them you don’t want to go. If they don’t like it, or don’t want to be your friend any more because of it, you can find new friends. Do you know how many friends I have today that I had in the ninth grade?”
She shook her head and wiped at her face.
“Zero. Not a one. There are always people to be found who can be your friend. Not every person you meet will be, but if your current friends are going to be like that you can look for more. Just remember, though, your friends probably aren’t making you feel guilty to be mean.”
“What do you mean?”
“That’s what they’re taught. Their beliefs are based on fear, not on love or faith. It’s how they’re raised, and they don’t understand any better. If you want to believe in Christianity, look for a church that’s based on a desire for heaven, not a fear of hell.”
Yes, I do pontificate at times.
Then I hugged her and told her she could kiss me on the butt cheek for giving such good advice. That made her laugh.
“If you don’t want to tell them you don’t want to go to church, tell them your parents won’t let you go any more,” I said, then smiled broadly. “Tell them to tell Anthony, and that he can feel free to give me a call or stop by if he has any questions.”
I can’t wait. Besides, Anthony can use our “refusal” to show once again how Christians are persecuted in this godless country.
Later, at dinner, Robyn pointed out that any friend who pressures you to go to church is no better than a friend who would pressure you to try drugs. A damn good point, I think.
Im not black, but I am blessed/cursed with frizzy hair. Moisture, in any form, is pure evil to me. Im guessing its the same for black women, the hair that you pay too much money pampering (special shampoo, conditioner, frizz-eaze, etc) the hair that you spray, straighten, and condition within an inch of its life, can be instantly transformed into a ball of fuzzy cotton candy with just one or two drops of moisture. Humidity is my kryptonite.
No one should be pressured into going to church. Its a very personal thing and that priest sounds like a real asshole. (I just reserved my spot in hell on that comment) but hearing about Anthony makes me very appreciative of my priest who is open-minded and generous - or at least is better pretending to be
Ummmm…something tells me that dude is not called a ‘priest’ Im betting he is a ‘pastor’…Fred?
“Youth minister.”
I agree completely. No one should be pressured into believing something they don’t already believe with their heart. I was raised in the Catholic church, but questioned many of its teaching. Luckily I talked with my parish priest and he sagely suggested that perhaps the Church wasn’t for me. Because of that I felt a burden lift off of me and I began searching for the right faith for me. I hope the Spud attains that same freedom within her own heart.
Fred, does the lead Pastor of the church know what the youth Pastor is saying? I’m a christian and those things are NOT tolerated from staff in the church I am a member of. And I can’t bitch at you because I’ma christian? or because of the episode? oe at all? heee =)
Youth minister at a Baptist church I bet. Oh my God!!!! I hope Anthony comes by. That will make such a good entry. I live in Oklahoma and I always say we live in the crotch of the bible belt..Looks like the crotch is pretty big (she says with an evil laugh)
Hey Fred,
I laughed out loud at “yes, I DO pontificate at times”. That was directed at ME! (Yes, it’s all about me!) I wrote that in my book review — hey you asked us to be honest!
But excellent pontification, if you ask me. Sad bunch of values this guy is passing on under the name of Christianity. And great insight you had about it not being her friends’ fault too — that lets her feel good about still liking her friends.
Hope the spud is able to move on.
Oh, and thanks for making me feel important today!
Fred, I don’t know if the Spud tells you - or if she’s even aware of it right now - but you’re a good dad.
(This is the Laurie from Washington…not that *other* Laurie above!)
Suzi - Not just Baptist, but SOUTHERN Baptist.
Technically, Laurie #1, I used the word ‘pontificate’ for its religious overtones, because I was writing a religious thing. Besides, it’s all about ME, and you should know that by now.
Laurie #2 - she knows I’m a good dad; I even have the “World’s Greatest Dad” thingy she gave me to prove it.
I won’t even comment on the Church thing. I’m sure you’ll get lots of responses. I choose not to go to church.
The reason I’m cluttering your comments section is because of the hair comment. I was CURSED with curly hair. Ringlet type curly hair. Water and curls are not friends. Yes, I wash my hair everyday (I have to or else it looks like my cats nested in it during the night), but I am horrified if I get caught in non-bathroom shower related water. My hair will shrink and curl up even tighter and someone will inevitably utter “Shirley Temple”. That someone will then get evil eye from me and a quick “shut the fuck up!” I do not squeal and run though….that’s pretty hilarious she did that!
All I have to say is that you are awesome! Why can’t more parents out there be like you and Robyn?
You know, some people can be insensative jerks at times. The problem with some youth ministers is that in their youthful enthusiasm, they see only things in black and white terms (or Heaven and Hell as the case may be) and they lack the wisdom that comes with age.
Fred, if you are so inclined, this is about the time of year Catholic parishes have RCIA classes for people inquiring about the Catholic faith. Some of the classes are pretty good and you learn quite a bit, others are shear boredom interlaced with tinges of heresy (depending on the orthodoxy and people heading up the classes). Anyway, there’s no requirement to become a “papist” to go to the classes.
Heck, I operate a couple Catholic websites myself, one with a messagee forum. Feel free to join us. We can answer nearly any question or argument that you might have.
I LOVE “Miss Saigon”. Don’t forget to bring a hankie.
You and Robyn are wonderful parents and the Spud is very lucky to have you. And I feel honored to be let into your lives through your journals.
OK, I’m done with the brown nosing. Have a great weekend.
My girl has dealt with the pressure of living in the South and being told she was going to hell for not going to church. Fortunately, she learned to deal with them early in elementary school. “I don’t believe that and if you don’t like me because I don’t believe in what you believe in, your loss.” Freedom of religion also includes freedom *from* religion, IMHO.
Hey Fred, I too would love “Anthony” to come over to your place, the journal entry would be so good.
Yeah you are a great step dad, she is lucky. Having been lucky myself like that, I know she will also appreciate you much later in her life.
Bet you’ve already checked out some of those Catholic meetings so you and Robyn can go… AHAHAHAHHAHAH
Pauleene
Just Say No!
Robyn is right–that kind of pressure is like drugs, only worse. Here in the Land of Lincoln, we live in a mini bible belt and my Catholic kids have already been told that they are going to hell because they haven’t been “saved”. Church isn’t for everyone. Look for a Life Teen program nearby. Is is a Catholic program, but geared for high school and Jr high kids. Our parish just started the Life Teen and it is more fun that regular church. Very open and non-judgemental and extremely cool. Worth looking in to.
Reading through your archives, LOVE the fart stories!!!!!
How can you NOT know what the effect of water or humidity is on frizzy/curly hair? Don’t you watch FRIENDS mate? The one when Rachel and Joey got together and Monica’s hair blew up like an oversized afro!!??!! Let’s just say it is NOT a pretty sight! LOL
From Down Under!
When I lived in the USA I used to use the hair relaxers that they make for black people on my long BLONDE curly/frizzy hair! And let me tell you the only thing worse than the result of mixing water with it, is the SMELL it releases from the chemicals! YUCK! Much easier to avoid moisture than recover from that kind of chemical poisening! LOL
Have a good day Matey!
:) MMM
Hi Fred. Do you ever have a strong urge to make people correct their misspellings that they leave in your comments? I don’t mean the ones that are obvious, commonly made typos, but the ones that come from NOT KNOWING HOW TO SPELL.
Yes, I know that had nothing to do with anything in the journal today. I was just wondering.
(I spelled everything, right, didn’t I?)
Yes, Fred, Oprah did say something about the black women and their hair- she said that white women are neurotic about their thighs and black women are neurotic about their hair. Apparently there are a lot of black women who don’t know how to swim because they didn’t want to get their hair wet. It costs a lot of time, money and effort to get black hair straightened and water can screw it all up- it goes curly or frizzy again if it gets wet and then you have to go blow it dry and go through the whole styling routine again.
FYI, I’m a white woman with very black, very straight, very fine, tending to be limp hair and that show was profoundly meaningful to me anyway. Women need to stop fighting their hair. I would love to have waist length, curly auburn hair but that would take amounts of money and patience that I just don’t have. So, I learned to love my hair short- now I just have to find a hairdresser who isn’t a total moron. I thought my current one of the past year was catching on, but I’m furious about the cut I got two days ago, if what he did, in direct disobedience of my instructions were fixed (ie. making it symmetrical) it would look like a haircut from a military base. Not happy about the haircut, *really* not happy about having paid $60 for it. What can you do?
I came across your book by reading comments left by readers of Dr. Phil’s (Dr. Pill!)book. Your book was mentioned as being much more inspiring. I was intrigued, and had to find out just who this Fred guy was. Well! I’ve been reading for two days! I ordered your book on Amazon, yesterday, and am looking forward to its arrival. In reading your journal entries posted here, I’m amazed (as others are) at the things you encounter in your everday life! (Cremated remains, cars flipping over into your yard…no pain and no Gain! hardy har har) Anyway,I wanted to drop in and say you’re one unique individual and I’ve enjoyed what I’ve read! Good luck with the book! Can’t wait to read it! (I actually only have ten pounds to lose, but I’m more interested in your story and thoughts.)
Thanks for the comments, Monica, I hope you enjoy the book. Out of curiosity, how’d you make it to this site? I’m always curious how people make it to this site by only hearing about the book.
(And please don’t just say it was Google, or something, because that would burst my bubble.
)
I stopped going to church because I got tired of being called a sinner every Sunday. Guilt, guilt, guilt.
And don’t even get me started about Christian missionaries going into foreign countries and telling the people that their religion and cultures are wrong. Oh.My.God.
A book that can give anyone spiritual direction is “A Purpose Driven Life” by Rick Warren. Maybe you could look into it.
I am a Christian and in reading your comments I actually thought you were dead on. I attend church regulary, but my teen kids recently quit going. They don’t have the widsom or maturity right now to see life is not all about them and I don’t pressure them to attend. I’ve struggled with this, not because not going will send them to hell, but because not going will separate them from Him and his blessings. Once in awhile I remind them that God is always there if they need him.
I wish my husband, my kid’s stepdad, was as involved and caring as you are. If he ever said to one of my kids, “Hey you want to go throw a ball with me, or go see a movie?” I’d fall out. You are doing a great job and the spud and Robyn are lucky to have you.
The whole religion issue frustrates me to no end. Someone close to me uses his religion to excuse every awful thing he does. See, Jesus forgives him for his sins so he doesn’t have to ask forgiveness from anyone like his mother or other family members he hurts.
I have spent so much of my life being pressured and made to feel guilty by Christians. A few years ago I studied with a rabbi and converted to Judaism and I am so much happier with it. I’m happy to be raising my children in the Jewish faith. We teach them about being good people because that’s the way we should be rather than being good people out of fear of going to hell.
I really hope Anthony does call or visit you. The sad thing is that people like that often never really hear the things you say to them to refute their beliefs. If they even agree that you *might* be right on an issue it puts a crack in the foundation of their religion and they just can’t deal with that.
I’m glad Spud has such good parents. You are doing the right thing by letting her explore what she wants but not letting her continue to be pressured by others. I agree with what Robyn said later at dinner.
Hey, Fred! So as not to go off-topic, here, I emailed you as to how on earth I managed to find this site!
You’re a good Dad. I’m taking notes.
Growl. That “youth pastor” should be hung up to dry. I AM a devout Christian and agree with every single point you made, Fred. Good for you! And apologize to the spud for me. She needs to know that not all Christians are intolerant jackasses.
I’ll just bet “Anthony” is cute and single…….. I’ll just leave it at that!
I have a beloved retired colleague who lives in your area. I e-mailed him with your latest spud story and he had a few suggestions. It’s experiences like your daughter has had that have people RUNNING from the church and all it idiotic ways. Here’s hoping she’s not permanently scarred!
SUGGESTIONS……
Covenant Presbyterian, on Drake, is a “loyal evangelical”
congregation that’s large, busy, cares for kids, has good staff.
There’s a lot of Bible, a lot of Jesus-talk, some support of
Presbyterians for Renewal youth ministry, but they shouldn’t hear
the extreme virtually-fundamentalist line you report. Central
Presbyterian, downtown, is an old UPUSA church that’s a notch more
conservative than Covenant, but still supports the denomination, and
has an active youth program. Covenant PC also has an early
“contemporary service” that’s popular, with a good “praise band”
(that’s not my thing, but …. different strokes…) The
“interactive service” at 8:30 at Faith is very Reformed, but casual,
informal, etc.
First Baptist, on Governors, is a GOOD progressive Southern Baptist
church, not in tune with the conservative takeover of the
denomination, and ought to have a dynamite youth program, because
they’re rich, large, and visible. I’d be pleased if a grandkid of
mine was going there.
Faith Presbyterian, where I work and go, might be too liberal for
your friends, but of course I’d be pleased if they showed up. Good
youth program, new to-be-called Youth Minister about to arrive.
I’ll bet Anthony has got some latent homosexual tendencies and that is what provokes some of these homophobic lectures.
I started logging onto Fred’s former fat man site ages ago when he was doing the occassional post on 3FC and I’ve been a loyal reader ever since. And yes I have the book and talked it up on 3FC too. Pretty sure you got a few orders from there.
Man… every position out there has a resident ass or two… sorry the Spud connected with a “colleague” of my own.
Obviously, we’re not all like that - but it only takes a few real jerks. Shame on them for using youth in that way.
A faith based in fear is no faith, in my ever-so-humble belief.
One more comment about the black women hair thing. Oprah most definately said something about it in the book she wrote with Bob Greene so if you’ve read that book maybe that’s where you are identifying that remark.
Ohhhh Fred….your such a great dad. Great dad..Great husband…Robyn better hold on to you with both hands. That was the best way to handle that with the Spud. (I have 5 kids I know what I’m talkin about) When your done with that youth minister please come to Oklahoma, we’ve got a couple thousand here (in the crotch) you can set on the right path.