j031029 (imported)
October 29, 2003
This morning, I was sitting in my office when the phone rang. As is my custom, I picked up the caller ID box to see who it was. I don’t know why I do this, because I always answer the phone even if it’s someone I don’t want to talk to. I guess it’s just wanting to know, or something.
Across the top of the caller ID box screen were the words “Guardian Angel,” and the line beneath showed the phone number.
Cool, I thought, most people have to use new-age mystical crap mumbo-jumbo techniques to talk to their guardian angel. Mine calls me on the phone. It’s good to be the king.
I picked up the receiver.
“This is Fred,” I said brightly, hoping to wow my guardian angel with my warm personality.
“Ummmm, I’m sorry, I must have the wrong number!”
Her voice was harried, and she sounded surprised to hear me.
“That’s okay,” I replied.
She hung up, leaving me staring at the caller ID box. Oh, well.
I should’ve known my guardian angel wouldn’t be in Idaho, anyway.
Speaking of it being good to be the king, did you know that Elvis made FORTY MILLION DOLLARS last year? That’s up from thirty-seven million the previous year, for the record.
Imagine, if you will, that you’ve done something that makes you sort of unique. Imagine you wrote some software, special software to protect billions and billions of dollars every year with nifty cryptography. Imagine that what you wrote was the first — and is still the only — software that does what yours does.
Imagine that there are only two people on the entire planet who understand how this software internally works, and that you’re one of those two people.
Imagine further that the powers that be like your software so much they decided to use it to protect billions of new dollars designed to help out an entire country. Now imagine those same powers have contacted you and the other person on the planet who understands this software to inquire as to whether or not one of you can be able to come on site and help install it and get it running.
In Baghdad.
Do you have any idea how far something like that’ll suck your balls right up into your body?
Speaking of ball-sucking, you know what sucks balls? Trying to find a dermatologist who’ll see you before March 2004.
Good God.
And they don’t even budge when you tell them your face might fall off by then.
Fortunately, I found one — after, seriously, having called every other one in town — who has a nurse practitioner who can see me tomorrow. She could’ve seen me today, but the only open time was when I have lunch, and since I like to maintain certain routines (definitely like my routines)I made the appointment for tomorrow.
I’m all about seeing a nurse practitioner if it’ll get me in faster. I ain’t shy. I figure if there’s something she’s not sure about, she’ll ask the doctor anyway. Now I get to find out if my self-diagnosis on what’s wrong with me is right or not.
Right now, here’s what our cats are doing:
Tubby suspiciously eyes the toy mouse in the hamper.
Miz Poo disgustedly walks away from Stanley,
who was coming after her. The glowing green speck
in the upper left is Spot’s eye, as he keeps an eye on them
from a safe distance.
Stanley forgets it isn’t quite Halloween yet.
Spot looks guilty, probably because he was spying.
Spanky is warily watching Stanley, who raced up the stairs
in front of me to try and get in the picture.
Right on. Go to Baghdad, it should make for a story you’ll never forget. Besides, you should be able to charge an astronomical price; and wouldn’t it be tax free?
Oh, Hell no. I don’t think so. No, no, no, no, no. (I’m channeling Robyn right now) The story is interesting enough already without you actually going there.
Go to Baghdad and blog from there. Dude, you have to!
Fuck that. That’s why that other guy understands it all…so he can go to fucking Baghdad. You stay put.
Baghdad? What a great experience! You’d be right in the middle of world events!
Heh. The comments are like:
“Go!”
“Don’t go!”
“Go!”
“Don’t go!”
“Go!”
:)
Go, but take your AK - just in case you have to regulate!
Well, yeah,what can you do with all that money if you’re dead?!?!?!?!?!
I’m with Marcia.
WE need you more than they do.
No, no, NO.
I’m really curious to hear your personal opinion on the state of things in Baghdad! I think it sounds like an amazing opportunity!
Also, it’s so bizarre you should mention guardian angels. I was goofing around on the computer two days ago, and for some reason got it in my head to type “guardian angel” into my search engine just for the heck of it, to see what turned up. It didn’t turn up anything spectacular really…but still, it’s a weird coincidence.
A friend of ours was recently offered a ridiculous sum of money to go to Baghdad to provide security over there. It kills me that he would get this sum of money when my hubby just got back from over there thank you Mr. Bush and he did it for almost a nickle an hour thank you military pay. If you can really make things better than go and be careful. It’s an exerpience you’ll never forget. It has changed my husband in ways he can never explain.
I can see that I’m going to have to go round out some more Fuck Nos to even things out around here.
Nope, nope, nope!! Bad idea!!
You can’t leave Stanley!!
Fred - you’ve probably already seen this, but I figured i’d link to it anyway since you mentioned you are a programmer of sorts…
http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/
Go. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. Don’t waste it - life is short. GO.
Nobody mentioned this product yesterday, so I’ll tell you that my husband found that “Skintimate” worked wonders on his razor burn. He shaves his head during the summer and was really suffering until he tried it. I tried it on my…ahem…bikini areas…and it’s great. Plus they sell it at Sam’s club, so it’s also cheap. He swears by Mach 3 razors, too. (Also sold at Sam’s but still expensive!)
Go Fred..it’s one of those chances to experience something that you can’t in America. I think you will always wonder if you don’t go. Perhaps there is some greater pupose for you to go…