Flakes - not just for breakfast
November 9, 2003
We have come to the conclusion that Stanley is Mr. Fancypants reincarnated. Consider the evidence:
- Stanley was born just a couple of days after Fancypants vanished.
- We call Stanley "Stumpy" because of his short tail. Fancypants’ real name was "Stimpy."
- Both have a loud and effeminate trilling meow. I’d call it gay, but I don’t want GLAAD on my ass. (I will refrain from making the obvious joke about someone from GLAAD wanting to be on my ass, because I’m above such puerile humor)
- Stanley spends his days sleeping on the spot on the couch where Robyn sits when she’s in the den. Fancypants spent his days sleeping in the same place. No other cats sleep there.
- Stanley is Tubby’s bitch. Fancypants was Tubby’s bitch.
- Stanley will talk to you if you talk to him while you’re petting him. So did Fancypants. The other cats only talk back when you’re a distance away and talking to them. Otherwise they just purr.
- Crazy eyes.
- Both are (were) the most laid back cats we’ve ever encountered, willing to put up with just about anything.
- Except getting medicine, when they turn(ed) into hell on earth. All the other cats take medicine pretty easily.
Getting Stanley was a little like getting Mr. Fancypants back, which is neat given that we had no idea they’d be so similar when we picked Stanley out at the shelter. It’s a little comforting to think that Stanley is Fancypants reincarnated, but we still miss the hell out of our fancy boy.
I went to the bookstore yesterday to look around, because there’s no finer waste of time than spending an hour or two browsing through shelves and shelves of books, even if it IS a Books-A-Million. While perusing the health section halfheartedly looking for Guy Q from Men’s Health, I came across a book by Deepak Chopra.
Hmm, I thought, I haven’t read anything by him in a while. I wonder if they have anything else by him.
The store manager—
Back when I first got my book printed, I went by this particular store to see if they were interested in carrying it since I’m a local author and all that. The manager wouldn’t even look at the book because I didn’t have a distributor. She was nice about it, but still. She could’ve at least looked at it.
—was standing in my aisle helping a teen girl find some Christian fiction. Those books face the health books on the same row. I stood behind her and waited until she was finished.
"Excuse me," I said.
She turned.
"Do you guys have any more books by Deepak Chopra? There are a couple here, but I think his other books probably wouldn’t be grouped under Health."
She thought for a second, then said, "I think we have a few over in the New Age section." She walked away, and I followed close behind.
Great, I thought, I wonder if they’re by the "Talking to dead people books" or the "Witchcraft" books.
"I think they put them over here," she said over her shoulder, "because they want you to feel like a flake when you’re looking at them."
Heh. Because they want you to feel like a flake. Maybe she isn’t so bad after all.
Stanley jumped up on the table Wednesday night while we were eating dinner, to present his ass for our viewing pleasure. Like a show, to complement the meal. This is a distinctly cat thing, should you not be fortunate enough to have one of your own. Cat, that is, not ass.
"God, Stanley," Robyn said, "I don’t need to see that while I’m eating."
I glanced over at the cat’s hindquarters.
"Well, it’s not like it’s Tubby’s ass," I said, matter-of-factly, "Stanley’s asshole is all pink and clean."
The spud found this deliciously funny, and began giggling.
"I’m sure my asshole is pink and clean, too," Robyn replied, "Do you want me to put it up in your face while you’re eating chicken and rice casserole?"
I sure wish dinner had been this interesting when I was a kid.
Hiyas ~
Received copies 2 & 3 of your book yesterday…Thanks! Now maybe I can get mine back from my sister and mother since they will have their own!!
Fred, I’ve always prided myself on having a rather impressive vocabulary.
However, you sent me to the dictionary for “puerile.” You have increased my knowledge and I thank you!
I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of your book…woo hoo.
I found your site through Bonnie and enjoy reading you and Robyn on a regular basis. Your exploits and daily lives are a joy to share…and the pictures of the kitties are always delightful.
Thanks!
Karen
My brother named his first cat B.C. - short for Butt Cheeks - because he’d jump in your lap whenever you were in a semi-reclined position and stick his ass right in your face. Ah, memories…
My cat, FUBAR, sleeps on MY pillow with her ass in my face.
God, I love cats!
Our cat, Pussle, likes to jump up onto the back of the couch, then climb onto your (and by “your”, I mean “my”) shoulder and walk down your chest. She always pauses so that you can get a good look at her asshole.
Fred, I did grow up in a house where those types of conversations were constants during dinner time. Much to my Father’s disapproval.
We didn’t have many conversations about pink, clean assholes at the dinner table when I was a kid. My dad, brother, and I were mighty taken with the topic of farting and belching. We even gave demonstrations when were were…uh…moved. Heh heh. Yes, we were that classy. It’s amazing my mom put up with us. She had never even heard the slang word “fart” until she married my dad!
My cat has a clean pink asshole too. Except of course when she has a piece of poo stuck on it.
Now I know why I prefer dogs!!!
Pink. Clean. Asshole. I’m laughing so hard I can’t type
I had a picture of a pig’s butt saved on my computer, but alas had deleted it previously. Would have really liked to send it to you. Talk about a clean, pink asshole! You couldn’t tell where the pig ended and the asshole began.
May I ask, what kind of camera do you have? I assume it’s digital. I’m going to buy myself one very soon and yours takes beautiful pictures. Hope it wasn’t too expensive though.
THanks!
Pandora –
It’s a Sony Cybershot P50. It’s getting obsolete, though; I don’t know if they even make them any more. We’ve had three Sony cameras now, and have loved them all.
Hey Fred, I have a computer question I wondered if you’d mind answering.
Someone in your forums suggested google-ing yourself, and I did, and because I join ezboard, my damn name comes up. Is there anyway I can get that removed, or do I simply close my ezboard account? Thanks in advance.
BTW, finished your book, and now I guess there no reason not to know that everything in my life I have chosen…don’t know if this is good knowledge or not
It was nice to blame everyone else. But seriously, I now try to live consciously, thinking about the death bed scene, like yesterday, I could take a nap, or go and watch my daughters school athletics, which was a hell of a lot more satisfying, with a whole lot of better memories, than a nap would of held. Great job. Now waiting with baited breath for the book from Robyn. Also Robyn, (not butt kissing here although it may sound like it), you have got so pretty with losing the weight. (I don’t mean that in a nasty way, I know you were beautiful before, so please don’t track me down and ban me from the site 
)
I just wanted to drop by and mention to you how I think Robyn would be much happier in a yellow Beetle. Coincidentally, there’s a yellow Beetle for sale (WITH a sunroof!) on the road she drives down to get to the post office. It seems to be in excellent shape and can’t be more than a few years old. And it has a sunroof!
Wouldn’t that be an excellent Christmas present?
Just thought I would drop over and mention that in case you were working on your Christmas list and got stumped at what to get Robyn!
Joy = Buttkisser!
Too funny — wish I’da thought of it.