j031230 (imported)
December 30, 2003
Many thanks to reader Sean for sending me Last Breath from my Amazon wish list, it it most appreciated. Sean, if you’ll email me so I can thank you properly (plus, there’s something I want to talk to you about), I’d be obliged.
Many thanks to reader Nancy for sending me Longaberger, which she sent to me because she thought I’d enjoy it. Nancy, if you would, please email me so’s I can give you a proper thanks.
The CBS Early Show producer called yesterday, and said, “Fred, because of things going on in the news we’ve had to move your story from tomorrow to Friday.”
“I didn’t know it was going to be on tomorrow. No one ever told me.”
“Oh.” Long pause. “Well, it should be on Friday, unless something big happens.”
And get this: I just found out that my super crappy local CBS affiliate preempts the first 47 minutes of the Early Show with their own stuff, so I might not even get to see/tape it when it’s on. Whatabunchafucks.
Fortunately I emailed Andy, the producer, and he said they’d send me a tape. He also said they’d turned a teaser clip over to the promotions folks, so it’s possible you’ll see me on CBS sometime Thursday, in promos.
I stopped by Barnes and Noble yesterday to drop off 20 more books they ordered. (Note: if you’re waiting to see my book in a store, you can stop. It appears that my distributor isn’t going to ever order any for stores. Besides, it’s cheaper directly from me.) The manager was behind the counter, and looked up when I approached. His face brightened.
“Hey!” he said, “I was flipping through Men’s Health the other day, and…”
And you know the rest.
I stopped at Publix on the way home from work yesterday to pick up a bottle of Eau de Pancreas at the pharmacy. The pharmacist’s assistant was behind the counter, and looked up when I approached. His face brightened.
“Hey!” he said, “I was standing in line at Barnes and Noble the other day, and picked up a copy of Men’s Health, and…”
And you know the rest.
Fame. It’s a bitch.
I stopped by the vet’s office yesterday for some more medicine to fight the epidemic of ringworm running rampant in our kitties. Ducking my head to the wind and rain, I fought my way out of the storm and into a situation.
The woman standing at the far counter, waiting for the nurse to run her credit card, was openly crying. She looked up at me through her tears when I entered. Behind her, her husband glanced over at me with haunted eyes before returning his gaze to something out of sight below the counter.
Immediately understanding what was going on, I dropped my head and clasped my hands together at my waist.
“Do you want to be in the room with him?” the nurse asked.
The woman, unable to speak, shook her head. The man continued to look down through raw red eyes.
“Do you want to keep his leash or collar?”
A nod this time, and the nurse handed them over. The vet’s assistant stepped out of an exam room and walked into the area where I stood to retrieve one of the numerous leashes hanging there. She walked back into the hallway and knelt in front of the man. The woman began to sob, and stepped back toward her husband. I saw that she was very pregnant.
“It’s the right thing to do,” the vet said, exiting the exam room, “sometimes you have to think of yourself, and especially of the baby.”
The assistant stood, and began walking away from the others. She was struggling against something pulling toward the couple.
“I know,” the man said. A freshet of new tears fell from his wife’s eyes.
The assistant passed the edge of the counter, crossing the doorway in front of me. She was dragging a big gangly-legged bubba dog that was no more than an oversized puppy. When he caught site of the doorway he leapt through it, straining toward me. I noticed that a large section of his face was raw and hairless, as well as several large patches on his flanks.
With a mighty grunt, the assistant pulled the dog back through the doorway and out of my sight. Over the sound of the woman sobbing I could hear his nails scraping the hard floor as he was dragged away. And then, then my cell phone rang, overpowering all other sound in the room with the strains of Offenbach’s Can Can.
Time froze as the woman, the man, the vet, and the nurse turned as one to look at me. I was mortified.
Red-faced, I dove out the front door and back into the storm to answer the phone.
“Hello?”
“How you doing?” The man’s voice was smooth, mellifluous, and totally unfamiliar to me.
“I’m great, thanks. How are you?”
“Good. I’m calling about the car you have for sale?”
“Um, I think you have the wrong number,” I said.
He hung up, ending the call, but I stood in the rain and pretended to talk on the phone until I saw the couple leave through the other door.
Over the weekend, I went to Circuit City and bought a new digital camera, which means more picture goodness. I got a Sony DSC V1, along with a 256 mb memory stick. The new camera has 5.0 megapixels, with 14-bit color processing and night vision (insert Tim Allen grunt here). Our old camera had 2.1 megapixels.
Just how awesome are 5.0 megapixel pictures?
Pretty damn awesome. It takes nice pictures like this one I took Saturday, which Robyn posted on her site:
But what’s really awesome is the original image, which Robyn didn’t post. Now THAT’s a picture.
Happy New Year, and all that.
I can’t help it…I have to ask; what the hell is Eau de Pancreas?
Insulin.
That’s amazing. You can actually see the dirt in the cat’s ear.
Thanks Fred…all I could think of was a smelly pancreas…ewwwww
5 pixels…sweet!
I’m looking for an update to my 2.1 mp, but haven’t decided on one yet. I’ll check out the Sony. Thx.
Suzi, I originally called it ‘Essence of Pancreas,’ but decided ‘Eau de’ was a little funnier.
Confession time…. I bought that darn Men’s Health magazine. I can’t imagine what possessed me??!
Great shot of MizPoo. By the way, on Robyn’s site I saw the shot of Tubby sitting/standing up. That was a really great one. Hilarious! Take care and “Happy New Year” to you too!
Okay, is your backyard…sand? Or is it dormant grass, like zoysia (however the hell you spell it)?
It’s dormant bermuda. Sheesh.
OH GEEZ Fred, I have to work, and my ancient VCR doesn’t tape in my absence ( and not too well with me coaxing it along, either)….so I have to miss your national TV gig. I am SO bummed.
I have to admit that my instant reaction yesterday when I saw Poo’s photo on Robyn’s page was, “Geez, why’d they Photoshop a desert into their backyard? Am I missing a joke?” Then my rational brain kicked in and I figured it was the type of grass that goes dormant.
Hmm. Compressed, they aren’t as nice as the ones you took of Tubs, et al, but enlarged, man, you could see every hair on Poo’s chinny chin chin
The perspective of this photo is what immediately caught my eye. Well done. (I also had to laugh at the name of the file — poobig.jpg. Living in a country where “poo” can only mean…Well, nevermind.) Miz Poo almost looks like a military leader gazing out over her troops, thinking of a hard battle ahead.
Or maybe I’m thinking too hard.
Also, just reading the sentence “Do you want to keep his leash or collar?” made me well up. Dammit.
WHAT A CAMERA FRED!!
HOW AMAZING IS THE PIXEL QUALITY OF MIZ POO’S IMAGE THAT ONE CAN SEE LOOK OF PURE EVIL IN HER EYES AS SHE COMMANDS ME TO TO EVIL DEEDS.
WHAT MIZ POO, YOU SAY TO BREAK MY DIET BY GOING TO DENNY’S AND ORDERING SOME MOZZARELLA CHEESE STICKS DIPPED IN BLUE-CHEEESE DRESSING?
ANYWAY FRED, NICE CAMERA
Fred. What an incredibly sad thing to have witnessed at the vet. I know only too well that horrible pain.
Amazing pic, Fred!
Hubby has a subscription to Men’s Health (although I think I enjoy it as much as he does!), but I haven’t seen your article yet. What issue is it in? Is it December or January?
Happy New Year, by the way!
I was surprised that you still need insulin. Or is it for Tubby?
Chris, it’s in the Jan/Feb issue. It’s been on the stands for a couple of weeks now, and I got mine (via subscription) in the mail on the Saturday before this last one. Maybe your mail carrier’s running slow? It’s on page 52, for the record.
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Judy, I’m not at liberty to speak about what that insulin is for.
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Everyone else: thanks, the camera DOES kick total butt.
I’m in the camp that thought your yard was covered in sand. We also have dormant grass, but yours just looks, well….sandy!
You take such fabulous pictures of the cats. I absolutely love them! Most of the time, when I attempt a picture of my 3 cats, they look straight at the camera and ham it up. Only time I can catch them not looking at the camera is when they’re asleep and I go into stalk mode.
Happy New Year Fred, to you and yours.
I thought for sure that vet story was going to end by you adopting whatever pet the other people were going to put down particularly when you said about the lady being pregnant. I know it is really awful but some people will put down or abandon their pets when they decide to have kids because it will be too much trouble or they are worried about the animal attacking the baby.
Just wait until you’ve had NATIONAL EXPOSURE, everyone will be stopping you and wanting you to autograph their copy of Men’s Health.
I love the Eau de Pancreas you really leave us in the dark at times. I thought it was a man’s after shave. If it’s not too personal and you brought it up, are you on insulin? My husband is diabetic and I was hoping that if we both followed your diet that he might not have to take medication anymore. He has had leg sores already. I was under the impression that losing all that weight that you didn’t have to take medication any more. You don’t have to answer that, I just felt bad about it. I hope you don’t get into any trouble with your sweetie in Maine. I so worried about you last time with the cat head and then the weird guy bumming the $20 off of you. You stay out of trouble you hear. We all love you and Robyn. Happy New Year to you both and the spud also.
Marion — The insulin wasn’t for me; I’m not diabetic.
So last night I am absently glazing over through a set of TV commercials when suddenly I recognize a familiar face and…
“Jeff, that’s the guy I’ve told you about. The one that lost all the weight. I read his and his wife’s weblogs. They’re both really funny.”
Relieved to hear I didn’t miss it! I slept in this morning and thought maybe it ran today. I’ll be taping The Early Show tomorrow and can’t wait to see it.
As for the huge Miz Poo pic, she looks like “The Cat That Terrorized Alabama”.
On a far more somber note, that vet story is excruciatingly sad. I’d have been lying in a puddle of my own tears if I’d had to see that
I think that wrong number was a Godsend.
I watched CBS this morning, but it looks like you are scheduled for “next week”. Any updates?