vituperation

December 23, 2003

Good God in heaven, I’m tired. CBS was here for almost four hours, doing the interview thing for what will probably end up being three minutes when it airs.

And no, I don’t know when that’ll be, so don’t ask.

Correspondent Jon Fr@nkel called around 8:00 for directions to the house, planning to get here at 8:30. At 8:15, he called back to ask if we could film me running first, since it was about to rain. My quip of "With my duck feet, I’ll look right at home running in the rain" was met with silence.

They showed up right at 8:30 and we were off to a local school to film me running. In the rain, which was by then falling. I talked with Jon and the producer in my Jeep while the camera crew got ready. They fired questions at me, back and forth, getting a feel for my outlook on things. Then it was time to run.

First, they filmed me running alongside the van for about a quarter of a mile. Then, they had me run again, only this time I was mostly sprinting alongside the van, trying to keep up. Finally, they set up the camera on a tripod under an umbrella and filmed me running toward it. My thoughts through all this?

I hope I don’t look as much like a fucking idiot as I feel.

The police showed up just as we were finishing, to look us over and give us a little stinkeye. The terror threat is orange right now, you know, and Madison is known as a hotbed of terrorist activity. They didn’t come quiz us about what we were doing, which is fortunate because I’d left the house without anything but my keys.

We drove home, and it was decided that I should lift weights for a while. Apparently, "a while" in New York and "a while" in Alabama are two different things. The best part? Jon interviewed me while I was trying to lift. I finally said, "You know, you’re not supposed to talk while you lift weights. You’re supposed to be focusing on your form."

That worked.

First it was biceps and curls. Then, leg extensions with light weight. Then bench pressing on the machine. More leg extensions, this time with heavy weight. Finally, we rounded it out with triceps work on the bi-tri bench. Oh, and then more interview while I sat on the leg bench, shivering. My thoughts?

I hope I don’t look and sound as much like a fucking idiot as I feel.

Inside, I helped them rearrange the den — they didn’t want me to be on the couch because I’d sink in, then I went upstairs to change clothes while they set everything up. I was miked (mic’d?) up, sound checks and light checks were done, and the interview began.

It was eternal. We covered everything from my early years of having songs written about my fatness to the Gatlinburg trip to skin surgery and everything in between. It was far and away the most thorough interview I’ve ever been through. And with at least FOUR under my belt, I’m obviously an expert. Like Oprah.

Jon asked me about Jared and Subway, and he hinted around at a certain well-known doctor from Texas (though he didn’t mention any names), asking if I’d ever put my likeness on dietary supplements or frozen dinners.

"No," I said, "I’m not a sellout. People don’t need stuff like that to lose weight."

Ten bucks says they’ll use the one single diss I’ve ever uttered on camera, just because that’s the sort of luck I have.

The sit-down interview in the den was about an hour, then we filmed a short interview segment in the library, next to the big stack of books we’re selling. He asked some tough questions in there, like "Why aren’t you standing on the mountaintop and telling everyone you have the answer? Why don’t we see you in the mall selling your book?"

I had to ask him to give me a minute to answer that one. How do you explain that you don’t want to preach to anyone who doesn’t want to be preached to? Getting in someone’s face about their weight is only going to drive them away unless they asked you to get in their face.

We covered the whole story of the book, the original web sites, even the $10,000 loan to create the book. We discussed the naysayers, and the reason I self-published, though I never mentioned that I was doing the interview to snub the naysayers.

When we finished in the library, the cameraman told me that I didn’t need to worry about selling the rest of the books, because I’d most likely sell out as soon as the story aired.

Then I guess I have to decide if I’m going to print more, huh?

After the library, we filmed in the computer room, where Jon had me go over every single transition picture, and every page on the site, again and again while they filmed. All the while the interview kept going.

Finally, we went into the kitchen and filmed the final segment, where I had to hold up my fat clothes for the camera. And then, people, then Jon looked at me and said — on camera — "can we see what you have in your refrigerator? Will we find anything if we ambush you?"

They found lots of fruits, veggies, and stuff like that, for Fred practices what he preaches.

We finally finished up after noon, and they wanted to film me grocery shopping in Publix. Fortunately (for me), Publix had to check with corporate for permission to allow filming, and the crew decided to not wait. As I write this, they’re off interviewing Dr. Judy.

Hopefully she won’t tell them anything TOO bad.

Jon watches the crew set up in the garage.
Right after this, he started messing around on my chinup bar.
We bonded, until he did more chinups than I can, and I
had to tell him not to show me up.

Jon, prepping for the long interview in the den.

The computer room getting set up for filming.

Jon and the producer, Andy, kept sneaking off to whisper.
It made me nervous.

Jon and the crew discuss filming options at my desk.

Jon and Andy share another of those moments.

Everyone tries to figure out how to hook headphones up
to the camera Andy brought.

I made Jon and Andy pose for one last picture, because I’m like that.
Jon is certainly a good-lookin’ man.

On a side note, it was pretty cool listening to all the guys talk. It was "Brokaw" this, "Rather" that, and "Jennings" the other. I feel like I’m practically famous.