j040115 (imported)
January 15, 2004
So I just found out that I have to go through a background investigation for my job. It’s not for a top secret clearance, but the customer is saying it’s the same level with the same investigation, where they talk to everyone who knows you, your bank, your neighbors (”He’s a very quiet man,” mine will say, “who goes running at odd hours.”), your relatives, yadda yadda yadda, and so on. They’re doing this investigation to make sure (I think, anyway) I’m trustworthy and loyal with all the system access I have.
Ready for the kicker?
It’s for the job I’ve been doing for the last twelve years.
I feel like there should be a drum riff there, or something.
(Note to the investigators who just read that and are considering not approving my clearance: I have a very ironic sense of humor; please don’t hold it against me.)
Saturday, the spud and I were watching the fine piece of cinematography known as Action Jackson (Walmart has a big bin of DVDs for like $5 each, which is only a buck more than renting. We watched Stroker Ace Sunday. Ah, the joys of classy films.). On the screen, a couple of guys were walking on a yacht and having a discussion.
“Whaddaya call a guy with no arms and legs, lying on the porch?” asked guy #1.
Guy #2 thought for a second.
“Matt!” he cried.
Great guffawing ensued.
“Whaddaya call a guy with no arms and legs, hanging on the wall?”
Silence.
“Art!”
Much haw-hawing proceeded as they walked. I felt myself drawn into the conversation.
“Whaddaya call a guy with no arms and legs, floating in the water?”
“BOB!” I crowed, jubilant.
“Bob!” said Guy #2, as the pair busted a gut laughing.
“Have you seen this before?” the spud asked, looking over at me.
I paused the movie.
“Yeah, back in the 80’s.”
“Oh. That’s how you knew who Bob is?”
“No,” I said, “I just figured it out from the conversation. Guy with no arms and legs, floating in the water. Bob.”
She gave me the patented I’m dealing with a dumbass teen look.
“How’d you know who Bob is?” she asked.
“I just knew.”
“Is Bob dead?”
“I don’t know, I just know he’s floating in the water.”
And she lost it.
“WHO IS BOB?” she screamed, “WHO PLAYS HIM IN THE MOVIE?”
“What?” I looked around to see if Rod Serling was hiding behind the couch.
“IS HE DEAD? IS THAT WHY HE’S FLOATING IN THE WATER?”
“No, he’s floating because he can’t swim. He has no arms and legs. He bobs. Like a cork. Bob.”
I looked at her expectantly.
“I don’t get it,” she said. Her brow was furrowed.
“It’s a JOKE. Guy on the porch with no arms and legs? Matt? Like a DOORmat. A mat. Guy on the wall? ART! Like a painting. ART! Guy in the water? BOB! Like a cork. BOB!”
I wanted to knock on her head and say Hello? McFly? Anybody home? Hello? but I refrained.
She finally understood and I resumed the movie.
Please tell me they get past this stage.
Those of you who liked the Tubby head-butt picture last time, here’s the full-sized version.
The Stump is a yawning bastard, and he’s funny as hell because he gives it his all when he does it. What’s even better is that he can be incited to yawn, just by someone faking a yawn. Last night, I was taking pictures, and Robyn started making the big yawn noises for Stanley…
Opera kitty.
Help me make the music of the…niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Creepy alien kitty.
Vampire kitty.
The psycho.
The "old man" impression.
Stump tires of the yawns and shares his thoughts.
For some odd reason, I feel like taking a nap!
Thank you for indulging me in my Tubby love with that head butt pic!
And that Stanley? He simply amazes me! Now he does impressions? I am telling you, you and Robyn need to send that cat to Hollywood.
I am cracking up SO hard over those yawn pictures by the Bean. He reminds me so much of our cat, George. He yawns the same way but I don’t think you can incite him to do it on cue. Thanks for sharing!
Oh gawd Fred…I totally cracked up at those pictures! I had tears streaming down my face! My co-workers think I’m a freak! They know when they hear me laughing, that I’m looking at pictures of your cats!
Screw the sundry man-eating mountain lions roaming around CA-peering into the eyes of that giant-sized pic of tubby has unnerved me !
How do you sleep at night? Don’t let that rotund,comical looking body fool you,it’s just a matter of time before he tastes flesh.
The Bean’s old man expression just screams to be on a tshirt.
How many people starting yawning when they saw the yawn pics??
Dammnit, I hate cats, but you and Robyn keep posting the cutest freaking pictures that I have no choice but to smile, laugh and (almost) want one myself…
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who sits in a hole??
PHIL! (don’t think the spud will get that one!)
How about a guy with no arms and no legs who sits in a pile of leaves?
Russell!!
I could go on forever!
LOVE THE BEAN!!!
My dad will tell you that no, they (kids/the Spud) don’t get past that stage. I’m 24, and went to an Ivy league school, even. No, no, and no again, he will tell you they don’t
Ha! Those yawn photos are the funniest ever! I love it!
Lisa
any reason why the lower left hand side of the Tubster life size shot is okay, but the rest of it looks like a paint-by-number painting gone awry?? Has my puter finally died?
oy, time to get a new one!
Love the Bean yawn shots!
A man with no arms or legs ready for sex? Dick
I thought the guy with no hands and and legs in the water was called
“screwed”. lol
i love me some kitty yawns!
A woman with no arms and 1 leg? Ilene. Hee.
LOVE the Bean sticking out his tongue. It demands to be put on swag.
A man in the hot tub with no arms and legs?
Stu
Fred,
Those are the best cat pics. EVER!!! He’s a superstahhhh….
Funniest kitty pics I’ve seen in a long while ! It’s hard to choose my favorite one !!
Have a great weekend!
~Denise~ in Georgia
Oh my GOSH! I love that Stanley Bean!
Post the full size version please of the tongue one!
Thanks!
OK so I like the jokes, but why does the guy have to have no arms and no legs? I’ve heard many of these types of jokes, but mostly I don’t think their limbs came into it.
What do you call a guy with a shovel in his head?
…. Doug
What do you call a guy WITHOUT a shovel in his head?
…. Douglas
What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his arse?
…Warren
and so on and on it goes.
Kitty pics - great!
Thanks, guys, I’m glad you enjoyed the pictures (and the jokes, apparenently)
—–
Kathy, the Tubby picture is somewhat blurred because he was right up in the lens when I took it. That’s why the grass in the lower left looks good; it was in focus.
Am I the only one who noticed that it looks like Tubby’s got a birdbath growing out of the top of his head?
Maybe it goes with the birdhouse in his soul?
Not to put to fine a point on it… say I’m the only bee in yer bonnet…
(Kitty, singing TMBG loudly to Fred and scaring her cats)
That full sized Tubby pic? Is now on my work desktop. I have 3 cats and yet TUBBY is on my desktop. He’s such a beautiful cat.
Betsy’s fur is a very similar color, but she has black patches as well as the nose smudge and black tail. But she’s not quite as, er, “pleasantly plump” though I think she’s working on that.
And the Bean has to be one of the funniest cats ever.
I too have Tubby on my desk top, but I used the one from the other journal, and it looks great. My husband keeps telling my cat Shadow how awful it is that Mommy has another cat as her wallpaper.
Coming here and reading the comments was a great “pick me up” after lunch. I’ve laughed my butt off at the jokes!
The only comment that comes to mind? Good Lord. Honestly. I yawned through the whole bottom half of your entry.
P.S. A woman with only one leg. Eileen.
I YAWNED TOO..!! Too funny! I have a yawn dying to come out, but I refuse to go with it! LOL
A guy that is a full if shit? John
The Bean is hysterical! Awesome pictures of him! IluvitIluvitIluvit!
Fred:
You truly have a gift.
I can’t stop laughing - your Bean commentary is priceless. He is quite the kitten.
Karen
the pics are good, but the spud story was pretty funny too. “and then she lost it.” HAHAHA.
The Bean needs an agent. Possibly he could team up with the Serta counting sheep for a commercial?
Those have got to be the absolute FUNNIEST cat pictures I have ever seen. I’m totally cracking up laughing!! ROFLMAO
A guy with no arms and no legs who sits in a mailbox?
Bill!
(Sorry…..)