vituperation

January 22, 2004

Wow, life around here is boring, except for the parts I choose to not write about. Those are pretty exciting. Pretty damn exciting.

For example, the high point of today was that I was going to get a massage, but then realized my toenails need cutting first, because who wants to ick out the masseuse with talonlike toenails?

Now that’s some kind of excitement.

You know what is kind of neat? It’s kind of neat to have a skewed outlook on life so that you can write pretty funny stuff (if I may be permitted to brag, anyway) about mundane everyday things like slipping in the post office, getting a girdle, or watching your fanciest cat shit in the floor. I’m pleased to have a pretty good sense of humor.

You know what kind of sucks? Not being able to just make up funny shit. It’s like, I think, I sure would like to write something funny, but don’t ever seem to have any ideas. That bites.

Speaking of writing, I’m having a HUGE hankering to pen some fiction. Feel free to leave me some story ideas in the comments.

No, really. Do.

I was asked today via email what my fee to come speak to a group was. Might I just say that there’s something a little disconcerting about the notion that there’s someone out there willing to pay me to talk to them?

I explained what it would cost my business to be without me for a day and that I couldn’t in good conscience ask someone to pay that much money for me to talk. Develop software, yes. Talk, no.

And that was that.

Do you ever feel like weirdness just sort of follows you around?

Check it out:

From: JC
To: Fred

My brother was telling me about your book the other day, and when he told me your name I about fell in the floor. Did you used to have the phone number XXX-XXXX? I live here in Huntsville and had that number about 10 years ago when I lived in Madison.

We have several funny stories regarding the calls we got for the “Fred Anders0n” that used to have that number, and we still talk about them to this day. I would love to share them with you if you are indeed the infamous “Fred Anders0n.”

If you are not, sorry for bothering you and good luck with the book (I’m looking forward to reading it.)

JC
Huntsville, AL

 

From: Fred
To: JC

J,

Thanks for writing — I hope you enjoy the book when you read it. With some trepidation, I’ll admit that XXX-XXXX was my number many many years ago (before my customers started calling me at home and I went the unlisted route) when I got my first apartment.

Do I want to hear these stories, or should I just be embarrassed?

Fred

 

From: JC
To: Fred

Ok, the way we always tell it is: just before my husband and I got married, I moved into our apartment. The day my phone was to be turned on I called to check it and it said “this number has been changed to an unlisted number.” I knew I was in trouble because it had not been out of commission long enough for that message to stop playing and there must have been a reason why the previous guy is now unlisted.

Well, when I moved in and set up my anwering machine I did the standard, “We can’t come to the phone” thing cause I didn’t want it to be obvious who I was or that I was living alone at the time. Only a day or two after I moved in I had a message from this guy’s forlorn love saying “Fred, you said I’d be the only one. I can’t believe there’s someone else so soon…..”

I about died!

I’m sure it was sad for her but it was REALLY funny on my end

After that we got all sorts of calls. One time a headhunter called for you, he found out I was a computer geek too and tried to get me a job. We’d even hear from your mom occassionally forgetting that you’d changed the number. We moved across the county a year later and so got a new number but the first week in the new house your mom calls. She’d forgotten your new number again and calling the old one, got our new one. She was very nice

I think she was the last we heard from “Fred Anders0n.” I’ve forgotten a lot of the calls over the years but the girlfriend and your mom stuck with me. It’s so funny to finally know who you are cause you’re one of our family’s little inside jokes. (we have no life

J

 

From: Fred
To: J

J,

Boy, that message brings back some memories. The woman who left it is fondly referred to ’round our house as “the psycho” (on good days; on bad days we call her much worse). I met her in a chat room (oddly, this is where I also met my wife) and we started talking. When I mentioned I was a virgin, she came onto me very strongly, getting my number and calling me regularly over the course of a week. She wanted to meet in person, and we did, in Nashville. Then she wanted to visit me overnight, and in a fit of foolishness I agreed. She spent the night, and ultimately she got what I suspect she wanted all along (not that I’m a victim, it always takes two to tango).

Then she told me she was married, and promptly went psycho.

First came the phone calls, telling me how she “almost” left her husband to show up at my door so she could be with me. She did that every few days. It just got worse from there: she started contacting me at work, then my co-workers, and finally she started intimating that she was pregnant (which was pretty much impossible, given the circumstances of the one-night thing) without coming right out and saying “I’m pregnant.”

She was all about the mind games, hence her nickname. Finally, I changed my number (I’ve also had to change it because my customers started calling me in the middle of the night, which is what I thought your original email was probably referring to) to get away from her. She was creepy, creepy, creepy.

As for my mom, what can I say? Sometimes she’s a little ditzy.

Fred

 

From: JC
To: Fred

Well, that description definitely fits the woman on my answering machine. It’s funny to know the real story after all these years. I mean, she went on and on lamenting for a while. I remember thinking, I’m glad I got this guy’s phone number and not his address. This woman might just hunt me down!

J

I sometimes feel like my whole life has been one strange episode after another.