j040421 (imported)
April 21, 2004
John Stossel never wrote me back, the bastard.
9:45 - Bedtime
10:15 - Blessed sleep
2:05 - Awake, eyeballing the clock groggily
And so it begins anew: the five stages of being a freak.
2:06 - Denial
I only slept four hours last night. This isn’t real. I’ll just roll right over and go back to sleep. No problem. It’s still early. I don’t have to get up until 5:30 if I don’t want to. Piece of cake. Pay no attention to that pressure in your bladder. You peed right before bed. Simple. You can barely open your eyes, you’re so sleepy. Just give it a minute and you’ll be out like a light.
Focus. Just think about sleep. Oh, yeah, I can feel it, just out there a little bit. Pure bliss. Keep thinking about sleep, and don’t think at all about work or anything like that, because it’ll just keep you awake. Whatever you do, don’t think about–
Oh, man. I really have to pee. Damn, this hurts a little, especially if I stretch out like this. Okay, I need to not do that. I’ll just get on my side and — shit, it’s 2:12. Sleep, Fred. Think about sleep.
2:15 - Anger
Alright, fine. Jesus Christ, I’ll pee already, then I’ll get back to goddamn sleep. Why the fuck do I do this? Am I really so fucking weird I can’t sleep the whole night through? Oh, I’m sure I’ll wake up even more when I get out of bed and trot my happy little having-to-pee ass into the bathroom. Won’t that be nice?
Ow, Jesus! How can the end of the fucking bed stick so fucking far out? That fucking Spanky better not wake up and start howling his idiot head off when he hears my door open. Stupid fucking cat, maybe I should kick his sorry ass down the stairs. I’ll bet I’d sleep GOOD then.
What the fuck is my pee hitting in the toilet? God, does the spud not flush the thing after she uses it? I know what pee on paper sounds like. Goddamn, that’s nasty.
Get out of the way, Spot, no one’s trying to get you. Christ.
Great. Wide-a-fucking-wake, just like I thought I’d be. Yay, two fucking fifteen in the morning and my happy ass is just laying here thinking about the fact that I’m not sleeping. Fuck it. Just fucking fuck it. I’ll go work out now and try to get to sleep afterwards. Yeah. Like I’ve never done that before, laying here all tired as hell but unable to sleep. And hot, Jesus, so hot. What makes me such a fucking unable-to-sleep freak? Go to sleep, Fred, I command you. Focus on sleep. Think about how nice it’ll be.
Good God, it’s 2:21 already? I’ve been awake for almost 20 fucking minutes?
Sleep, Fred. Sleep.
2:23 - Bargaining
Alright. Here’s the deal: I’ll lay here until I get back to sleep, no matter how long it takes. I’m sure my internal clock will wake me up by 5:30 so I’ll have time to work out before 6:21, and hell, even if I don’t wake up until 6:21 I can just work out after work. No problem.
Okay, it’s 2:25 now, and you’re still wide awake. What if you just lay here until 3:30 and try to get to sleep? If you’re still awake then, you can get up and work out. Yeah. I like that. That’s a decent idea, one I can live with. I’ll be out before I know it.
2:27 - Depression
Jesus, I’m the biggest loser ever put on this planet. What’s so wrong with me that I can’t sleep the whole night through before a weightlifting workout? I don’t have any problems sleeping when my next workout is cardio. I’m the most pathetic person around.
Neurotic. That’s what I am. Just a big fucking freak, and it’s a wonder I haven’t killed myself by now out of sheer lameness. Although I’m sure if I did, I’d find a way to fuck it up.
What if I lose my job and can’t make the house payments any more? We’d have to try and sell it, for sure, and go live on the street. And the cats. My God, the cats. They’d all die because we wouldn’t be able to pay for vet bills any more.
What was that? That sounded like someone in the house. What if someone’s already killed Robyn and the spud, and left them laying there in pools of blood, waiting for me to find them when I get up tomorrow morning? God, I’m going to be jobless, homeless, and have no family or cats. I might as well just kill myself. Christ.
2:29 - Acceptance
I give up. I’m not going to get back to sleep no matter how long I lay here. All I’m going to do is lay around and obsess, and I could better spend that time working out to get it out of the way. Then, I can try to sleep again, and even if I can’t, I’ll sleep better tomorrow night.
No problem. There’s something liberating about workout out at 2:30, anyway. Yeah, baby. 
Fred, I love you, I love your journal entries. Nothing else makes me laugh til I cry and start pounding on the desk because I am laughing so hard. Brilliant!
24 minutes = insomnia? For me, 1 hour = narcolepsy. Sucks to be you!
Fred .. on the getting up to urinate thing in the middle of the night … you might think it’s too girly, but you might just sit down and go. You don’t have to turn on lights and you can keep your eyes shut. No aiming involved.
But it’s not manly for us guys to even consider squatting like a girl!
I see another upside of Robyn sleeping elsewhere! (heh)
My hubby does the same thing. Unfortunately I cannot sleep in another bed since we only have 2 rooms.
I know that Robyn loves ya anyway as do we, your faithful readers! Heh!
Gads, the “wee” (hee!) hours “to pee or not to pee” debate. How I feel your pain. Even when I talk myself back into sleep I’ll inevitably dream that I’m peeing, then wake up with a pounding heart thinking I’ve wet the bed, which makes me then jump out of bed to actually go pee and I never really get back to the REM stage after that. No workouts at that hour, but I’ve been known to go throw a load into the washer at 3am.
Fred, some of my best reading time comes between 2:30 a.m. and 5 a.m. when I can’t sleep. However, I’m old–a great grandmother for fuckin’ sake. You shouldn’t have insomnia at your young, healthy, handsome age. Maybe you need a new mattress. :=)
Well,at least I’m in good company with the lack of sleep thing. I am feeding a baby bird every three hours,but she pays me back by purring (yes,purring!)contently when full.
Fred, I know the feeling when you write your favorite author to tell them how great their book is and they never respond. For example, I mailed Mr. Anderson in Austrailia to tell him how good his book is and he never wrote me back.
Well, it must be an Austrailian thing with those foreign authors.
Richard in Boise
Fred, you gotta see a movie called Rocket Man if you haven’t already seen it. Your entry reminded me of a scene in it. The movie is a Disney movie and only rates a 5.1 on imdb.com but I have to give it a firm 7 being a kids movie and all. It stars Harland Williams who plays Fred Randall. Having seen this movie and reading about your dilemma, I couln’t help but laugh my ass off, thus making my eyes tear until one of my contacts buckled. Always great reading your hysterical posts! Even if I did have to get up, walk to the bathroom, wash my hands and try and replace my freakin’ contact! It was worth it though.
~Denise~ in Georgia
4 hours a night is all I DO sleep…I have been that way since I was 15. So, I do laundry, read, pay bills, go online. The down side is I invariably start yawning and winding down at precisely 30 mins. BEFORE I MUST get up.
I wish I could get thru most of my life on 4 hours of sleep. I would get so much accomplished! If I could stay up until 2 a.m. I could write, I would have time to paint more, I could watch movies and get more reading done. As it is, I can’t function on less than six and optimal night is seven hours. I feel like I’m sleeping my life away!!
My optimal sleep night is generally 5 or 6 hours. I can get by pretty well on 4 if I have to, but get cranky with less than that.
Er, crankier than usual, that is.
Fred, I thnk this is my all-time favorite Vituperation entry (so far). So very, very, painfully true….
So why not try a sleeping pill? Or ever OTC sleep aid–we call them our little blue pills–and find they are so effective.
So, DID you make it back to sleep????
Laura, I dozed after my workout, but it was fitful. My postworkout snoozing always sucks.
I read a thing in SELF not too long ago (I think) talking about some method of going back to sleep when you wake up like that. It mentioned being hot, and recommended wiping your arms and legs with a cool washcloth, that it somehow lowers your temp again, allowing you to fall back asleep. Or something. I sleep like a rock, so I’ve never had to try it. =)
I always end up trying to console myself when I can’t sleep. “if I fall asleep right now, I’ll still get six hours of sleep.” “if I fall asleep right now, I’ll still get five hours and 20 minutes.” and so on, which gets mighty depressing after a couple of hours. I really don’t do well with less than 7-8 hours, so I’ve been known to drug myself with benadryl if I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep :p
Marcia-
I think those little blue pills are Viagra. Don’t let your DH try to tell you that they are sleeping pills.
I am one of those who has trouble falling to sleep and can so relate to the anger and frustration when you just *can’t* get back to sleep. I remember when I was in college, I would “threaten” myself that if I didn’t fall asleep in 30 minutes, I would have to read a boring textbook. Heh.
I rarely have trouble sleeping so I can’t really relate but my husband probably could as he is not a good sleeper. Hope you catch some more zzzzzzz soon
the worst feeling ever. I am up reading your post at 630 in the morning because I COULDN’T SLEEP AGAIN. But you’re not a freak~try a Tylenol PM an hour before bed. Works like a champ……