Adventures in freakdom.
November 10, 2004
I stood at the front of the store and looked around guiltily, making sure no one I knew was nearby. I’d scheduled this trip in the late afternoon, after people took lunch and before they left for the day, just to minimize the chances of seeing a co-worker, since the store is right up the road from my office.
And God only knows what they’d say about me back at work if they knew what I was here for. You know how bad the office gossip is.
I spotted no one other than several strangers milling about, taking care of whatever business had brought them here. I weaved through the people, intent on going to the part of the store that held what I desired, and then I saw it: a huge display, almost as tall as me, loaded down with just what I wanted.
Right there by the cash register, next to the line of people waiting to pay.
I looked longingly at the display, wishing I had the guts to just pick up one of the items and march proudly to the end of the line to buy it, but my God. What would people think if they saw me, an upstanding member of the community, buying such a thing? How could I ever show my face in public again? Surely no one could be proud of buying one of these. I mean, come on, everyone knows what they sound like and everyone knows what you do with them in private, but damn.
How can someone just reach out and pick one up, march up to the counter, and pay for it with everyone looking, like they were happy about getting something like that? Doesn’t anyone have a sense of shame any more?
All I can say is I still have that sense.
A pretty woman, maybe thirty, picked up one of the items from the display and looked at the picture on the front for a moment, then flipped it over and read whatever writing was on the back. She walked away from the display, still holding it, and gave me a knowing smile as she passed me. Wow. That’s one woman who’s confident with her, well, you know what I’m saying.
Unlike me.
I made my way toward the back, passing couples and single people along the way, glancing from side to side at all the things for sale. Finally I got where I wanted to be, to the seedier part of the store, where I had the whole area to myself to look without fears of being spotted.
The selection was incredible, and they had exactly what I wanted. Checking one more time to make sure no one was watching me, I picked it up and started back to the front of the store, holding it close to my side. I did my best to keep it covered up with my hand, but something that big is hard to hide well with your palm, if you know what I mean.
I stood in the line, red-faced and embarrassed at what I clutched against me, and waited until it was my turn to pay. I laid my item on the counter, doing my best to throw a body-block so the people behind me couldn’t see.
Oh my God. The cashier looked like she was about 18, and cute as a button. I felt my cheeks grow hotter with the shame. What would she think of me, buying such a thing?
She looked down at what I’d placed on the counter, and her eyes widened.
“Oh, the new Toby Keith CD!” she drawled in an accent so strong if I heard it on TV I’d think it was a parody. “I just love his songs.”
This did not make me feel any better about my purchase.
“Yeah, I like his songs too,” I said in a small, small voice, looking around to make sure no one heard me. I thought about asking if they had any chaw for sale behind the counter, but I suspect my joke would’ve fallen flat.
“It just came out today,” she said.
“I know,” I replied, almost in a whisper. I wondered if maybe I started praying, the ground might open up and swallow me. “I’ve been looking forward to it.”
I’m officially an old redneck.
I mean, my dad listens to this stuff, not me. I still listen to rock, right? Right?
Dear God. First this and now country music. What’s next for me, NASCAR?
If you want to get notified whenever Fred writes a journal entry, this link will do the trick.
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Nothing like reading about what you are listening too. Isn’t he great!
Don’t be afraid - just go with it, Fred.
Fred, you can’t be a good ol’ boy without a ballcap! Maybe you can sneak out at lunchtime today and pick one up…they’re right next to the chewing tobacco, the gun racks, and the Chevy window stickers.
And to think that at one point you were worried about turning into a hippie!
Can I be a hippie redneck?
No, Fred. You can not.
Wait, isn’t Toby Keith the singer that the movie “Team America” made fun of? Freedom isn’t free…no there’s a hefty fuuckin fee…
Hilarious.
I hate country, but I kinda like Toby Keith. He lives about 4 miles from my house…want me to stick a fan letter from you in his mail box
That’s exactly how I felt yesterday when I went out and bought the new Britney Spears Greatest Hits CD! (I’m 35) Hee hee!! If anybody asked, I was going to say it was for my (nonexistant) child.
Heh. And I thought you were going to say you were buying the Shrek 2 DVD. Honestly, I did.
What’s next for Fred??
How about a pair of mudflaps for your SUV that have that shiny chrome silhouette of a big breasted,big-haired,reclining woman.
Or a Rush Limbaugh bumper sticker AND a NRA sticker-though maybe you have that one already.
Heh, I thought Robyn sent you on a mission to the local drugstore to get the supersized version of feminine product
Debby, I would never do that, ’cause I couldn’t be sure he’d come back with the right kind.
Ok I just went and seen Toby last saturday and he said he is no longer the pres of the National Redneck Association….that honor now belongs to Ted Nugent..Hee hee… I love Toby and I love Ted Nugent so I must be a member..
What? Fred doesn’t call you 30 million times while at the store asking exactly, word for word that is on the box, what it is you want?
I don’t send my husband on that mission anymore because he drove me batty! LOL!
Ewww. I hate country music. I despise Toby Keith. And yet, I love your journal. Huh.
Sheesh, Fred, what kind of a computer geek are you? Get with it and use iTunes to download and burn your country CDs in the privacy of your own home. Yup, they have that Toby Keith one. Don’t you know by now that ALL vices - porn, country music, Chick Tracks - can be accessed via the Web?
Toby is a good ol’ Oklahoma country boy. Gotta love that. Toby won me over with the “Who’s your Daddy” video.
Fred, stand proud! You did a good thing.
I bought the Shrek 2 dvd also. Love Shrek. You’ve got to feed the inner child.
As I read I was so afraid that you would put “To Be Continued” at the end before you revealed your choice. Don’t feel bad, I’m 52 and I can’t wait to see Shrek 2. And I was intrigued to hear that there is a Best of Britney Spears CD, LOL.
Do you guys leave your Christmas lights up all year? Hell yeah!
;-)
I actually won a backstage pass last summer and met Toby. He smells as good as he sings. But yeah, I’m old.
I thought you were going to say you bought Halo2.
Although to demonstrate just how much of an internet dork *I* am, when my husband was talking about the game yesterday, I wanted to get in on the conversation, too. I knew they were talking about the halo game, but stupid me said, “Oh yeah, Haloscan?” Ha!
Halo2, you idiot. It’s Halo2.
Wow, I have to throw in my comment on Halo 2: I hang out w/ a group of guys who range in age from 23-30 and are freakin’ in LOVE with the game Halo. One of them loves it so much that after he left work Monday evening at 5, he went home & straight to bed, got up at about midnight Tuesday morning (the day the game came out), went to the store and bought Halo2 and played it all the rest of the night til it was time to go back to work at 8 am. Is this how a 29 year old man is supposed to behave??? Guess I won’t be seeing much of my friends the next couple months since they’ll be good for nothing but playing video games….
As you were telling the story, I had about a million things going through my mind that you could be purchasing… it started with condoms, then went to toilet plungers, and then some kind of “diet” book/faddish item. I just knew it would be none of the above and would be something very simple, but it’s fun to predict…
I’ve not heard that cd yet, but I bought my 3 1/2 year old the Shrek dvd (to give to his dad) and it came with a bonus sound track cd. The music was good, but I haven’t seen the movie yet. Bionnicles are winning out over Shrek right now…
NASCAR is cool Fred. You should visit Talladega next spring. I was there for the fall race back in October and it was great. Stayed in Decatur again too.
HA! It’s about time you got your arse over to the darkside!
I became a Tody fan the first time I heard “I’ll never smoke weed with Willie again” on the Bob and Tom Show.
Yeah but you are liking NEW Country right?? Miles apart from the OLD Country.. at least that is what I tell myself..
I thought it might be a Clay Aiken CD