Adventures in freakdom.
November 22, 2004
Okay, class, I have an assignment for those of you who are interested. It’s a simple one, and hopefully one you’ll enjoy.
First, a couple of questions. One, would you consider yourself an avid reader of books? Two, do you enjoy books of suspense, with plenty of action thrown in for good measure?
If you answered “no” to either of these, you’re dismissed — this assignment is definitely not for you. If, on the other hand, you answered “yes” to both, keep reading.
Robyn and I are playing around at jointly writing some fiction. Here’s how we do it:
In bed at night, I babble incessantly at Robyn with my ideas until I get some half-hearted agreement from her that one might work. Next, I sit down and write an outline for a chapter and give it to her. She turns it into a real chapter and gives it back to me. We both gripe about how stupid the premise is for a bit, then I settle in and rewrite the chapter from scratch, using what she wrote as a guide, and harvesting out the pieces I think need to be kept. Then I polish it a little and give it back to her, and we go over it together, giving it one final tweaking.
That said, I have a finished first chapter I’d like to hear your opinion on, if you’re of a mind. Your whole assignment is this: read the chapter that’s right here (in Word format) and share your thoughts in the comment area below or in email to me.
Tell me what you liked, and what you didn’t like, but most importantly tell me this: if you’d read this in a book in a store, would you want to keep reading the book?
Thank you in advance, from the both of us.
If you want to get notified whenever Fred writes a journal entry, this link will do the trick.
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Since you get right into the action so quickly, it reads more like a medium-length short story, of the kind I wouldn’t be too surprised to find in Asimov’s. I like it though; and yes, I would buy it to read the rest.
I thought this was an excellent chapter. I was left really confused as to what was going on — which was the point, so that’s good. I would definitely like to read more to find out what happens to these guys, and to find out what in the hell is going on with that Andrew kid. It was very fast paced and I can’t decide whether or not I liked that or not. I loved the detail, very good. Great dialogue. Overll, yes, I would love to keep reading it. Keep writing!
#1 - Being a poetry writer myself, I have to say that I LOVED your words you used to describe things. “hit a patch of scrabble and skittered” and “listening to the pebbles rattle as they tumbled down the hillside.” were phrases that caught me right off.
#2 - Didn’t like that I didn’t know more about how his brother died before the action started, but that was the point I understand, to grab the reader’s interest and keep it there, wanting more.
#3 - Yes, I’d buy it. Are you thinking a short story or a novel? Wow… if a novel, that would be a LOT of action to keep up that sort of pace! Would love to find out where you’re going with this story. Almost had a Steven King-ish feel to it.
Thanks for sharing with us!
I am inclined to agree with some of the comments above, i.e. fast paced very poetic. I find that when there is a lot of description mixed with action I tend to want to skim the description and keep at the action. It held my attention and I too thought very Stephen Kingish…I’d grab it to keep reading
jen
:o)
Sold! When’s chapter 2 coming? The only thing I thought was unnecessary was the “it had crept nearly down to his ass” phrase. Felt forced.
I agree with the others that your descriptions are spot-on and poetic. Fantastic action which leaves me wanting for more. I have to wonder, however, whether this is a good first chapter (because of all the action) or, if it would be better as a later chapter after a bit of backstory - particularly on Andrew.
JMO, but excellant overall.
~Aly
You’ve gotta hook ‘em with the first one, dontchaknow.
I agree, the read was good, but a lot of action for the 1st chapter.
Also, if the boy had power to control the men why would he run to a complete stranger to help him if he could help himself?
Oh, and I wondered how old the brother was when he died, was he a child or an adult, and if a child how had he gotten so into hiking.
All things that would probably be cleared up in another chapter or so. I’m not sure if I’m dying to read more or not.
It also had a Stephen King feel to me also.
That wasn’t supposed to be a mad face, but a sad one. I’m very sorry.
Wow, you guys are very talented. I agree with most of what has all ready been posted, so there’s no point in repeating it all. I was thinking a little “Dean Koontz” rather than “Stephen King” however I love both authors. This is at the right pace for a short/medium length story. If you are going for novel length, I would slow down the action a little and get into more character development. Great start! I can’t wait to read more!
Oh yeah! I’m hooked enough to want to read more.
What happened that Jake caused or feels he caused his brother’s death? How long ago was this? Background on Jake?
And Andrew - yeah! Background needed on him too - but I’m sure this will be covered in later chapters. Why did Andrew allow those men to kill his father if he has those powers? What powers are those, why does he have them? Where’s his mother?!
Will definitely be looking for the next instalment - or the book to buy once it’s published.
Yup! I would definitely buy it and when do we get the second chapter. The pace was killer and the unanswered questions, a great hook. Keep it up!!
I would definitely enjoy reading more. Lots of unanswered questions, but of course that’s the point, isn’t it? I could see this as being the first chapter of something more regressive….maybe the next few chapters would jump back to a place in time that would explain how Jake got to this point?
I would definitely read this book!! I can’t wait! You guys rock! Get to work!
Love it!! I can’t wait to read more!
I’ve read lots of books where the first chapter throws a lot at you, and leaves you with questions, isn’t that the point of a book like this? To get you to read and find out how the characters got in that position? I like something that grabs me from the beginning and makes me not want to put it down until it’s finished.
There doesn’t need to be back story on each and every character in the first chapter, how boring would that be to read everyone’s story before getting to the action. I just figured reading that this was only the first chapter would make it understood that you are only getting a piece of the story.
I do agree with the comment that the phrase about the pack slipping to his ass just seemed out of place and forced.
YES!!! More! Bring it on. The descriptions of nature and the surroundings were fantastic, and the story itself is VERRRRY intriguing. I need to know more right now! I already knew that you both rocked in general, but I had no idea that either one of you had this kind of talent. ROCK ON! Oh, and did I say, MORE?
I’m an avid reader of both your journal and Robyn’s and absolutely love both. Additionally, I enjoy reading everything from David Sedaris to Dean Koontz to Bill Bryson. I absolutely enjoyed the first chapter and would love to read more. Very intriguing.
This is very Dean Koontz. Perfect attention getter for a first chapter. Just enough information to catch my interest and enough unanswered questions to keep me reading. Some people thought there was too much action for the first chapter but i disagree on that. Lots of the books i read start out with a bang and then throughout the rest of the book i’m getting explanations for things that weren’t apparent in the beginning. I would agree though that the “ass” part didn’t seem to fit for some reason. It is definently my kind of book, only please please don’t kill off the good guys at the end. I do love a happy ending!!
Looks like a good start, although like other people were saying, a little too fast paced for a book, more like a short story. I sense a “Firestarter” kind of plot going. Would definitely want to read the whole thing. Good Luck to you guys.
I liked it and want to read more, so I guess I would buy it.
The “ass” comment did seem forced, and I didn’t care for the Humpty Dumpty references. They didn’t seem to fit.
Other than that, I’d say MORE MORE MORE.
GREAT!!! Can’t wait to read more!
As an avid packer, I’d just like to point out that your pack DOES slide down to your ass on the steep uphills. So hmph to you all.
Gotta agree, there is a whole lotta ACTION ! ! going on there..too much of that and I would have to put it back on the shelf and grab an energy bar for the next chapter!
I agree on the “ass” thing - it felt wrong as soon as I read it. (and yet I feel very nit-picky saying that, as I forgot about it as I read along)
I disagree with the comments about there not being enough info - you gave just enough to serve as a tease and yes, I WAS left wanting more.
I’d love to read more.
Aw now Fred,,,ya said ya wanted to know what we didn’t like as well as what we did like!
I think it sounds like I would want to read more. I’m proud of y’all. What a great team you are!
I do think the part where we find out that he’s killed his brother is too abrupt. If he could be remembering something more indepth about what he and his brother went through…some memory or something…and then let on that his brother had died. Later on the how, when and where of the death can be told.
I totally lost respect for Jake and his intelligence and smoothness when he says to the ARMED guys that he thinks the situation should be handled by the authorities. That would just be something I would never do when put in that situation. He needs to handle that more shrewdly…maybe not blurt it out but have an inner dialogue with himself about it…kind of like when he wished the gun were closer.
I don’t really want for more background on info. on Andrew at this point. That will happen in chapters to come.
Keep it coming…don’t let the holidays slow you down. We like it!
Thanks for sharing your first chapter with us! I agree with many of the first comments. It brought to mind Stephen King for me as well. I also agree that it develops very quickly, like a short story does. The idea is very good though, and I would read more of it. The ass comment does sound out of place, sorry. I know it’s a fun to word to use, but it just doesn’t match the rest of the description. Looking forward to reading the rest!
(Is one of the characters a cat?)
Catriona.
I, too, felt the ass comment was forced. DIdn’t offend me, but I immediately thought “why is this here?” Other than that- I loved it! Just enough info to tease me and can’t wait for the next chapters
It caught my interest by the 5th paragraph.
Having child in it is a plus.
I would keep reading.
Not that I can now as my own child is ready for bed!
I thought it was very good, a lot going on for a first chapter, but it left me wanting more. You should reward us by telling us what kind of car you got!!!!!
oooh- I would totally buy it- I’ve been reading too many pink books lately, and I need some action stories.
I, too, did not care for the ass-pack reference or the Humpty Dumpty remark. Too….cutesy? I dunno- just jumped out at me.
I love stories with freaky kids. Very Firestarter-esque. Seems like some interesting parallels may be drawn between the death of his younger brother and protecting this weirdo kid…I like. Or maybe I’m just reading too much into one chapter. Good stuff.
I wouldn’t use the word ass there, and I am not a prude. Take out the energy bar. . .I know we’re food focused and all, but it didn’t seem right. Also the part about it being handled by the authorities. The kid is conflicted about using his powers??
Good enough to make me want to read more.
I too, agree with the others. More background is needed on all the characters.
I would most definatley buy it if I read that on a jacket cover or the like.
Reminded me of Stephen King, too. Hmmm…I liked the slipped down to his ass comment; that’s the kind of detail that makes it seem real to me, and it’s the kind of thing S.K. does that I like. It’s also consistent with the kind of writing in other stories of yours that I’ve read. It was the line about the gun metal feeling incongruously cool that seemed awkward and hokey to me. I think it has the potential to be a good story, but needs a lot of fleshing out, such as the description of the boy character. Think you could milk the tension more before the men get blown away. It did hold my interest and I did want to find out what happened next, especially with the brother. This reminded me of that TV movie with the alien kid.
That rocked! I was definatley interested right from the start. I think that the child walking out really did it for me. I don’t think the ass comment is out of place though because the charactors have not developed enough to make that sort of judgement, I would keep it for the time being. I thought, like many others that there was just enough info to keep me wanting to read on.
Great work you two and thanks for sharing! Keep us updated on the progress.
In my opinion, both the slipping backpack comment and the energy bar reference made the guy seem more real and I was able to relate to the “every day-ness” of him. I smiled at both these thinking how very Fred they were!
I love the confusion and questions that come after reading this chapter because I know the journey to the answers will be an exciting one. I am sure this would be a book I wouldn’t want to put down. You and Robyn make a wonderful team - but we already knew that, didn’t we?
Ok, I read this last night - and liked it, though I don’t usualy read fiction….
But it must of impressed me somethin’ fierce, becase I had a VERY VIVID dream last night with characters resembling Greenshirt and Blueshirt…..and a little boy, my son!
I very rarely dream, so your words hit my brain in an area not often touched!
More please. I do like it, the setup is good, very solid. Lots of action for Chapter One, but hey more is better.
I want more, I want to know what this kid is all about and why they wanted him back alive. I’m intrigued and want to read it and yes, I would buy it. Keep up the good work.
yes, yes, yes, yes! I would totally read this book! I like the Koontzy way of grabbing the reader’s attention. I like the Kingesque feel of the tableau. Killer stuff, man.
I’d have bought the book.
write faster!!
Personally, I’d say “butt” instead of “ass”…but that’s just me. I was also wondering WHY the kid just didn’t use his powers earlier on the two men…but then we wouldn’t have a story, would we?
It grabbed my attention; I would read more & possibly buy this if the price was right. Or, at least check it out of the library.
I agree with other commentators that there was a definite King feel to the story, but that isn’t a bad thing.
I disagree with most of the commentators that there was more backstory needed. You never want too much backstory in the first chapter or else what is the motivation of reading the rest? I’m a fan of books, TV shows and movies that give a peek into the ending and build backwards from there. That is what it feels like you are doing. Keeps the audience from being able to predict too much. I, as a reader, want to know the backstory but for purely selfish reasons–not because chapter one is where it belongs.
The ass comment didn’t bother me, but it did stand out immediately. I haven’t really figured out why.
I liked the imagery of the “incongruously cool in the hot desert air”.
The comment about getting the authorities involved seemed hokey. I agree that he should have been more shrewd during that interaction.
Let me know when you plan to publish…I’ll be in line for sure!
I really enjoyed it and want to read Chapter 2 please!!
Fred -
Love your writing. I have enjoyed you short stories that you had on your website at one time and I also enjoyed your book. The chapter was quick paced and sounds like more like a short story than a novel. Could be a good read for a Saturday afternoon. We will be looking forward to the new book.
Wow… this was good!! I definitely want to read more. The “ass” phrase seemed natural to me. The Humpty Dumpty reference was kind of hokey and “frisson of fear” is out of place in this story.
The plot does remind me of Firestarter and Carrie, but no one was wearing a blue chambray shirt. That shouldn’t be a problem, though, because there are a finite number of super-human powers to choose from!
Keep it coming…….
Where’s Chapter 2?? I have been checking all morning!
I liked it so far, but it would be easier to make a judgement when seeing it in context w/the rest of the book.
How far have you gotten so far in writing this? How long do you think it will be??
Great job so far!
Nicole, we’ve done exactly one chapter.
(though we have ideas on where it’s going to go)
And for the record, everyone else: that chapter one is just that, chapter one. It’s not the climax, it’s where the story starts. The plan is to ratchet the action/conflict up from here.
(don’t get me wrong, we know how Andrew got there, and all will be revealed, but this is just the beginning)
Fred-
I think that it is very good but a little rough. I would like to read more. I don’t think it should state outright that he killed his little brother in the first couple sentences. I think I would like it more if it alluded to it or inferred something to that affect without stating it outright. Also don’t like the “ass” in the first couple sentences…seems forced/unnecessary.
Otherwise great job! Love your writing as I always have.
I loved it too and the only comment that I have is that it did seem to be moving along a little quickly, but I have read books that start like that and then go fill in the details later, so maybe that’s where you guys are going with this. I can’t wait to see more and you should definately think about doing more with this.
It’s great. And I liked the Humpty Dumpty reference…that type of internal dialogue is very similar to my own. Hope to see the whole book in print someday!
Outstanding. Better than most of the published fiction outt here. You bring us right into this world with the character’s main conflict, both physical and mental(the dangerous terrain, the death of his brother.) Only one suggestion: don’t forget the smells.
Absolutely worth continuing.
Excellent first chapter. Yes it is fast paced, but the best part is that there are multiple unanswered questions that have left me at the edge of my chair. I can definitely see a novel coming from this chapter. In fact there had better be more because I will keep wondering what kind of experiment andrew came from and wht secrets he knows.
started out not liking it, especially when I hit the actualt make and model of the pistol — that someone struck me off. But then I got to the part about the kid and did a complete 180. Very good. Wouldn’t buy it though — because I’d finish it at one sitting @ Borders!
Definitely in the Koontz range. I would buy it because the storyline is intriguing — I know there will be backstories coming. Needs a little “polishing” but the story is definitely there…
I’m in, hurry up and finish already
I really liked the descriptions, the story, the speed of the action and whipped through all 8 pages in no time at all, and now I need more.
I found myself skimming through the first few paragraphs — as I would a book I’m evaluating to buy. Too much description at first, not a ‘grabber’ but quickly got into action. If it were a book on the shelf, I’m not sure I would have turned past the first page, but the action I would have missed would have been a shame. Once the action started I was hooked.
More! More!
Go for it! This has got “X-Files” written all over it! And all of the folks who miss the X-files would most definitely be interested in this book. This could be a hell of a read if you both pour some serious time and imagination into creating it. Definitely continue, what do you have to lose? When is Chapter 2 coming? I could use a good sci-fi, action- adventure read. Especially since TV is nothing but a stinking sesspool of reality crap shows.
I agree with Susan or Suego. Very Stephen King. I have to admit that I didn’t start out liking it. There seemed to be so much alliteration: “swipes the sweat,” “shoulders shifting,” etc. And I glazed over when the gun was explained in detail. I know nothing of guns and have no interest to learn. I don’t think I would buy it, but I may read it if it were given to me.
NOt bad. But too many initials. Whats ACP? EMF? PDA? Some people will know some of them, maybe all of them. But lots of other people will have no idea what you are talking about. Also, I agree that the ass comment felt forced. I think just shifting the pack higher was plenty of explanation. But maybe we are all nit-picking on that because you asked for criticism. My first impression was that it was going to take forever to get going in this story, but that was corrected as soon as Andrew showed up. I would want to keep reading it, yes.
Amazing! Write more!
There *is* a lot of action, but that’s a good thing, since it seems that’s the type of book it’s going to be. If, for instance, you and Robyn planned to send this to a publisher, that’s what you’d need. You’d need to grab the editor’s attention quickly because, let’s face it, they get thousands of manuscripts per year. Character development is important, but that should come throughout the book and interspersed with the action.
It might be hard to keep the action up like that, BUT - a) Dan Brown does it - granted, he supposedly has to write a scene 5 times before getting it “right”, but it’s do-able; b) even though it started that way doesn’t mean it has to *non-stop* action all the way through without reflection. You have reflection in there already. And it’s good that you don’t explain the bit about his brother right off the bat. THAT’S what keeps the reader coming back for more (well, that and this mysterious power Andrew has).
Great chapter!! I can’t wait to read more!
Hi Fred, I was throughly intrigued by this first chapter. Now, I find I’m wanting to find out more about your characters. Since I am not a writer, I don’t know how to tell you about improvements and stuff like that . I just read, and I was facinated and it definitely left me want ing more, more, more!! Soooo hop to it you two, and give us another chapter. I would buy the book for sure!! nanamama
Excellent start. As a fellow Stephen King fan I really enjoyed it. Please continue on so I can find out exactly what Andrew does……
I was disappointed when it ended….I wanted more….
I agree with one of the above comments, “it had crept down to his ass” felt forced to me too. And yes, the action is instant but I’m either grabbed or not by the opening line of a story. I can tell almost immediately if I’ll buy it or not. I would definitely buy this, it’s my cup o’ tea. Put me on your mailing list or something.
I got sucked right in…I’d buy it in a heartbeat…write on!
I live in Nevada, and this doesn’t sound like Nevada at all. We don’t have many trees here. The bushes are are big but thin and blend in with the parched brown dirt and the scalded rocks. Little hiding is possible in most Nevada landscapes.
I, too, was put off by the word ‘ass’ in the first paragraph. I’m not a prude, but I don’t care for books that go out of their way to be crude for no reason. I expected Jake to be a beer-guzzling, butt-crack-showing, unkempt slacker running from the law just based on the word ‘ass’ in that paragraph.
One thing I’ve noticed in nearly all of your writing that I’ve read: You use first names way too much. It’s annoying. More hes or hims or the boys, less Andrew this Jake that Andrew the other thing. The constant use of the proper name seems forced.
But it definitely has potential. I think team writing would be fun.
Anonymous,
Have you ever seen Tikaboo Peak? I didn’t pull my description out of my ass (or Jake’s pack-ridden one, for that matter), but from a photographic hike going up Tikaboo to the top, and a good deal of reading up on the flora and fauna of the area.
Why are the most critical always anonymous? I don’t bite.
What’s the difference between anonymous and some made-up name or a first name only? I don’t see a difference and don’t waste my time filling out that field. If it bothers you, label me “DesertRat” or “UFOQueen” or “Sidewinder” or something that is so much more poignant and meaningful to you than ‘anonymous’.
I said your description doesn’t sound like Nevada. I’ve seen Tikaboo peak, I haven’t hiked it. Nevada is hot, desolate, dry, and barren. You asked for a review and it jumped out at me that your description didn’t feel like Nevada at all. Once again, you prove that even when you explicitly ask for advice you don’t really want to hear anything other than, “oh Fred, you’re such a god, don’t change a single word!” You got plenty of that here, so you should be happy.
I for one as sorry I wasted my time posting any comment at all.
I liked the overall chapter, and would keep reading. It did put me in mind of “Watchers” by Dean Koontz, which for me was a definite re-read book.
The only things that jarred with me were:
Tikaboo Peak - I know it’s a real name, but to me it sounded funny. Names are important to me when I read a book, and this one set a different scene for me than the chapter ended up being.
I thought you could have put a bit more description around Jake - it would be nice to have something to visualise that isn’t going to change completely when you get around to it.
The mind drifting back to his brother seemed a little forced. You don’t get any sense of pattern in his thought that would make him think that. It isn’t until you mention that the hike is to celebrate his life that you get some understanding of why he’s thinking of it.
As soon as he sat down I was pulled into the story - before that (and I realise it was only a page) I was so-so about it.
And the ass bit only threw me because to me that spelling means donkey *grin*
Why does everyone have to know everything about the charachters and why the brother was killed right away. After all, this is just the FIRST chapter, right? Where can I read more? I agree with whoever made the comment about Firestarter, it was the first thing that came to mind while I was reading. That is one of my favorite books of all time!