Adventures in freakdom.
December 6, 2004
Today, we return to the world of Jake and Andrew, so if that last entry about it bored you, you’ll probably want to skip this altogether.
First, I printed out the first chapter and let the spud read it. She took her time, plodding methodically through the pages. When she was finished, she set it to the side and looked up at me.
“That was a good story,” she said. “Are you going to write a sequel?”
Lordy.
“A sequel? It’s the first chapter of a book,” I replied.
The dim bulb over her head glowed a little brighter.
“Oh! I thought it was a story named One.”
At this point, I’d like to remind you, the reader, that she contains none of my genetic material.
“But it makes no sense as a story,” I said patiently. “The ending would just leave you hanging.”
“I dunno. I liked it.”
I continue to work on the book, but a few things have changed. First, my wife (whom, I might add, is a buttnugget of epic measure) is no longer working with me on this due to a lack of interest. The Jake story is definitely a guy story, so I can see why she’s not interested, not being a guy.
She’s still a buttnugget, though.
Everything you read from this point on is all Fred, though she very happily still proofreads and offers helpful commentary. Therefore, if you find faults in what I’m about to ask you to read, they’re all mine.
We also had many a heated argument over whether or not really bad guys would fire a Sidewinder missile down the Las Vegas strip during a low altitude high speed helicopter chase between a retired Cobra and a MD500 news chopper. (That Jake has some mad skillz at the stick, you know, what with 15 years as an Apache pilot in two wars. But does he have the skills to outfly a far superior aircraft that’s armed and firing on him in the middle of Vegas, and save the woman and boy in the chopper with him, just by using his talent?)
But I digress.
Second, after spending what seemed like hours poring over maps of Nevada, I found that there was no realistic way for Andrew to be climbing around Tikaboo Peak; the roads where he was simply don’t come close enough. I needed a location change.
I also realized — based on some of the helpful comments I got from you — that Jake needed to be a little stronger. Heroes aren’t “Let’s call the authorities” pussies, are they?
So I wrote another first chapter, which I now present for your perusal. The location has moved, I think the dialogue is stronger, and the characters are hopefully a little more likable/unlikable. The gist is the same, so there shouldn’t be any real surprises. Again, I welcome your comments and critiques. I even stuck the first piece of chapter two on the end because I’m feeling the Christmas spirit.
If you want to get notified whenever Fred writes a journal entry, this link will do the trick.
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Love it, Love it, Love it.
I want more, dammit!
Great start, really pulled me in.
Hi Fred, I really enjoyed the first version but enjoyed this one even more. More please!!
Sometimes I think you guys MUST be making up these tidbits about the spud. Lol.
What a fantabulous rewrite! Loved it Fred. Really do. Wish Chapter 2 sneak peak was longer… I want MORE!!!!
Before I killed him, Jake’s mind whispered. (I’d change you to I.)
“Bad people.” Change to something else.
“We can talk about this like civilized people, can’t we?”…say something like, “He’s just a kid…why the guns?”
…later he would liken it to having a hornet’s nest in his skull—and felt a gentle caress of warm air puff across his body like a sigh. That was a great description…I could see and feel that.
What do I think?
I think it is an intriguing story. It is so much better than the other draft. It just seemed to take me right there moreso than the other draft. You really have something here. I think this could be a book/movie thing. I can see it now… Jude Law as Jake. Well, maybe not him. You definitely have something here. Don’t you stop.
That was me that just wrote about the book/movie deal…didn’t mean to be anonymous.
Jude Law? That’s a blasphemy, woman!
(Though I have no other suggestions. Robyn and I have talked about what actor looks/acts most like Jake, and never really came up with one.)
don’t like the “bad people”
And there’s something wierd going on in the 2nd paragraph about the eagle-scouts… You say that Paul would be celebrating his 30th b-day today. Then you say that Paul was young when he died. Then you say that Jake was in Eagle Scouts when he was Paul’s age. sounds like Jake was 30 when he was in the eagle scouts.
Lastly, If you haven’t already read D. Koontz, “Sole Survivor” don’t read it until after you are done with your book. It has elements that are very similar to what you have written so far, and I’d hate to see your work influenced by it.
Sharon, I’ve read “Sole Survivor” (all Koontz’s books, actually), but can’t remember a single thing about it except that it had something to do with a plane crash.
Damn, getting old sucks.
My big concern right now is to avoid anything similar to his “Watchers” or King’s “Firestarter”, because I feel like there can be similarities if I’m not careful.
However, the book is supposed to be about Jake primarily, so I think I can probably pull it off. I hope so, anyway.
Davenport - Lucas Davenport, actually - is the main character in John Sandford’s “Prey” series. I love Sandford and I loved, loved, loved this draft. It’s much tighter than the previous one.
The phrase “bad people” didn’t bother me - after all, it’s a kid talking. JMO.
If not Jude Law, how about Matthew McConaughey? Especially when he’s scruffy, he’s just like I picture Jake. OK, I know I’m getting ahead of the game here, but a girl’s gotta dream!
Bravo, Fred! (You still rock, too, Robyn!)
Cheers.
Loved it! I do, however, have one complaint. Which shouldn’t be suprising, but did he have to be listening to Toby Keith? Because that put me off from the get go. =P
I agree with Christine, the Toby Keith put me off too. It isn’t that I don’t like Keith, because he is actually one of my fav. country artists, I just think it seemed kinda hokey that you mentioned him. Its like ad placement in a book. Also, I think greenshirt and blueshirt would be taken just a bit more seriously if they had real names.
Absolutely phenomenal… I would love to read more… Personally, I like the blueshirt/greenshirt thing… It sounds ominous…
It’s sad that I had to actually ponder whether “buttnugget” was a term of endearment,or a putdown. It only took me four seconds of pondering though,so maybe there’s still hope for me yet.
As far as Spud’s cute little sayings,I think there’s a book there,”Spudisms.”
I actually meant the Blueshirt / Greenshirt thing as a point-of-view issue. The scene’s from Jake’s point of view, so there’s no way for him to know their names unless they’re wearing nametags or something.
The story is coming together.
Keep going! : )
I really like it Fred. It’s my kind of story and it would definently hold my interest. Keep going and thanks for the preview!
Like it a lot! I thought “Bad people” fit. It seems like an appropriate answer from a child that age.
I think this version is far better than the first draft.
Good work!
Okay, go easy on me. Long time reader, first time poster.
I like the story a lot, but I liked the first version more. The first version was more decriptive and mysterious. It felt darker than the second version. This rewrite flows and has more story, though. I think that a combination of the two would be perfect.
When I read “Bad people”, I heard “Dead people” in H.J.O’s annoying voice. But that’s probably just me.
Hey Fred,
I think I might have a map of the Tikaboo peak area somewhere around here.. You’re right, there aren’t any major roads going by there, but it is accessible by hiking from a main road.If I can find it, would you want it?
Nice job; good fleshing out from the first version. Personally, I think you’ve got some writing talent. (Not to be a smartass, but “before he died” after “he liked to hike and camp” is unnecessary, no?) Jake Freeman is such a macho stud name; is that what you’re going for with the character? (In the first version he seemed a bit nerdier, which was endearing.)I preferred Jake encountering the characters in the middle of a hike, somehow, even though I didn’t dislike the car version.
Excellent, excellent!!
A child would definately say “bad people”.
Yeah, I was beginning to worry about the boy sounding like the canine “Einstein” but making the story more about Jake should solve that.
One favor though, could you write a little faster??
mmm love it, DONT LEAVE ME HANGIN’
its very Koontzy which is fantastic and i personally pictured Jake to be more an unshaven gruff Russel Crowe type. looking forward to reading the rest!!
Alicia,
Thank you for the offer — I’ve got some pretty detailed maps of the area (to the point that I think *I* could find my way to Tikaboo
). The problem wasn’t getting Jake up there, but getting the kid there, because the only road that really comes close is the road Jake would have used. The kid is coming out/away from the Groom Lake AFB, and the closest road over there is 5 or 6 miles away over terrain no kid could do.
And to people who want me to write faster, sorry.
It’s like pulling teeth, and I count getting one usable page out in a day a good thing.
Excellent writing. Greenshirt/Blueshirt is the right way to do it, because Jake would have no way of knowing their names, and I also feel it provides a “visual” description of them in a more realistic/simple way than if you tried to rattle off their individual physical characteristics.
In my mind, the “actor” I see as Jake is Brad Johnson. (Not Brad Johnson the football player) He was in a few movies in the early 90’s, such as Flight of the Intruder and Always. He had a role in the Left Behind movies. I dunno, maybe I just picture him because his name was also Jake in Flight of the Intruder which was a military movie.
Regardless, this is a very interesting story and I prefer the 2nd draft to the first one.
You CAN have him climbing pretty much anywhere you want in the Nevada desert, just because there aren’t published roads, doesn’t mean you can’t get there. There are “highways” as they are called locally or paths through the desert. GPS is heavily used to locate pioneer trails, BLM markers, points of interest, etc. I have spent a lot of time in middle of nowhere NV at my in-laws. Let me know if you need more details.
Loved it! It’s a lot like the books I like to read. I wouldn’t change a thing.
Hey Fred, Better late than never. I’ve been away. I like the second version much better, but “bad people” does sound like H.J.O to me. I do think you’ll have to watch out for being too evocative of S.K or D.K. but I really like your descriptive phrases. I like the pace much better in the second version. The first seemed sort of head-long rush to me, like you were trying too hard to pull me in. Good luck on the writing venture.