vituperation

I don’t remember if I’ve mentioned it or not, but I started running again a few weeks ago. Taking almost a year off, coupled with the new weightlifting –

On a side note, if you’re looking for something to shake up your weight training, the Men’s Health Home Workout Bible is pretty incredible. Four weeks on a routine I developed using this book let me pile 20 more pounds onto what I work out with on my bench press. It’s all about full-body moves and exercises designed to strengthen muscles you don’t use too much. Lots of things like one-leg squats, moves on the exercise ball, pushups where you lift a weight with one hand when you’re in the pressed-up position. It builds some serious balance and improves your overall strength. I can’t recommend it highly enough.

– routine I’ve been doing and all the hiking, apparently got my legs into better shape than I thought. I’m running almost 3 miles at a pop, 3 times a week, and mostly enjoying it. Even scarier, some mornings I drive to the middle school, park, and run up to the tip-top of Rainbow Mountain (which, granted, should probably be named Rainbow Knoll) and back.

It’s amazing how much your body will respond if you push it, even when you think you’re in decent shape.

I didn’t mean to get sidetracked with all the stuff above, I actually just wanted to bitch about running this morning. The windchill was minus ten. It was damn cold, and I lost my one remaining testicle somewhere in my neighborhood.

Even worse? It’s not going to be above freezing here until sometime Sunday afternoon. (Yeah, yeah, Yankees. I know, you’re crying me a river right now, aren’t you?)

“In other news,” Don said, “some people down in Bartow, Florida have taken advantage of a recent decision by the city council to allow a nativity scene on city property. Officials warned that other groups might want to put up their own displays, and they have.”

I sat in my car this morning, driving down highway 72 into Huntsville on my way to work, listening to the radio. Don Phipps is a local TV newscaster who does double-duty on one of the radio stations, delivering the news at regular intervals during the morning broadcast.

He’s no Dan Rather.

“New displays are now up by groups like the Zoro-uh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-strians and one–”

“Zoro-uh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-strians?” Kris, one of the two normal DJs for this station, asked. Fortunately his partner, Bee Bee, wasn’t there to bray the goddamn donkey heehawing laugh that she does every time Kris says something. Seriously, anything he says makes her go into paroxysms so strong one wonders if she might do us all a favor and choke to death.

“Zoro-uh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-strians,” Don replied.

“Is that anything like Rastafarians?”

“I don’t know.”

Kris launched into a long story about how the Rastafarians believe that Ras Tafari — whom Kris called “Rasta” — is Jesus Christ himself. Don allowed that he didn’t realize that, but still didn’t know if the Rastafarians are like the Zoro-uh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-strians.

Don continued.

“Another group has made a display honoring Festival, which was made popular by the TV sitcom Seinfeld in the 90’s. Officials say—”

“Uh, Don,” Kris said, laughing in a most smug and superior way. “That’s not called ‘Festival’. It’s called ‘Festus’.”

Jesus Christ.

“Festus?” Don asked.

“Yep,” Kris replied, and laughed again.

I wanted to break my cardinal rule against using my cell phone in the car to call the station.

“IT’S CALLED FESTIVUS, YOU MORON!” I’d shriek. “FOR THE REST OF US!”

With radio like this, is it any wonder I’m always in a bad mood when I’m driving?

On a related note, anyone out there use XM radio? What say you? Speak forth in the comments. Worth it? Crap? What?

Merry Fucking Christmas from us to you.
(no, that’s not Photoshopped)