Slytherin
"I need to bring the cats in," I said to Robyn, pausing the DVR in the middle of an episode of Family Plots. Since Mr. Fancypants vanished never to return from the yard one night, and several frightening incidents where we thought we’d lost Mister Boogers the same way, we try to make sure all the cats are in and the cat door closed before dark.
Robyn picked up the magazine she reads when we’re watching something not-so-interesting. I walked to the library and put the plastic shield in place to block the cat door, then back to the den to look out the back door for Spot, who spends more time in the yard than anyone.
He sat in the grass by the patio, staring intently at the ground in front of him.
"C’mon, Spot, it’s time–" I caught sight of what lay in front of him: a coil of dusky brown and tan. "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!"
"What?" Robyn said, dropping the magazine at my tone.
"Spot killed a copperhead!"
In the part of Alabama where we live, there are four poisonous snakes: the timber rattlesnake, the pigmy (yes, that’s the spelling) rattlesnake, the water mocassin / cottonmouth, and the copperhead. Growing up here, you learn pretty quickly what the poisonous ones look like; they’re very distinctive, thus I recognized the snake from ten or so feet away even though all I could see was its colors. Those were enough.
"Come help me check Spot," I said, and went out to get the cat away from the snake.
The snake was not dead, nor injured. Apparently, Spot had merely been watching it work its way toward the house.
Spot remained perfectly calm (thank God for the Elavil we have him on to prevent excessive grooming, damn spaz cat) when I pulled him away from the snake, and I ran my hands down his flanks to make sure there was no obvious swelling from a bite. While copperhead bites rarely kill people, I’m pretty sure a bite would be fatal to something the size of a cat. I trotted back to the door, holding Spot in a manner most undignified, and held him up for Robyn. She checked him over, too, and found nothing.
"We need to shut him inside the house," I said.
Miz Poo and Mister Boogers shot through the open door and made a beeline for the snake, who hadn’t moved. Several seconds of cat wrangling ensued, wherein Robyn and I looked like two of the three stooges trying to get all the cats in the house. Finally they were in and we were out.
"You should get the camera," I said. She went inside. I watched the snake, who lay there calmly, flicking his tongue out from time to time. Copperheads, when faced with something they perceive as danger, tend to freeze until the danger is gone. They rarely bite unless you get right on them, something I had no intention of doing.
Robyn came back out with the camera and a can of compressed air to keep the cats at bay. Standing some fifteen feet from the snake, she pointed the camera at it and prepared to snap a picture.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Taking a picture."
"From back there? All anyone will be able to see is the weeds in our yard."
I took the camera and took some pictures of the snake from a couple of feet away. As I’ve mentioned, I’m not scared of snakes at all (spiders are another story). I respect them, and I keep my distance from the poisonous ones, but most snakes around here aren’t aggressive (the water moccasin / cottonmouth excluded) and will leave you alone unless you mess around with them.
Taking a picture isn’t messing around with it.
"Look here," I said, pointing at the snake’s head. "I’ll show you how to tell the poisonous ones. All the poisonous snakes here are pit vipers, so they have some similarities. See how his head is like a big triangle?"
Robyn nodded from the other side of the patio.
"You can’t see from back here, come look."
She took a couple of steps closer.
"See how his head is shaped?"
"Yeah."
"All the pit vipers here have heads like that. Look at his body. See how he’s stubby and really thick, instead of long and sleek like the rat snake from last week?"
She nodded again.
"Stubby fat snakes are the poisonous ones around here. Keep your distance from them."
"How about if I just keep my distance from all of them?"
Women.
"That’ll work, too. The poisonous ones here also tend to have similar markings." I pointed to the snake’s back. "And you’ll never go wrong if you stay away from the ones that are tan and brown."
We looked at the snake a moment longer.
"I have to kill it," I said, though I didn’t want to. A copperhead in the woods, on a hike, is one thing. You step around it and keep going. A copperhead in your yard, less than ten feet from the house, is another. We have cats to think about. Our neighbors have kids to think about. Most snakes are good to have around, because of all the things they eat. Poisonous snakes, not so good. Not that close to the home, anyway.
I went to the shed and got the hoe, the official tool for killing snakes in the south, and brought it back to where the snake lay. All four of our cats sat lined up at the window, watching the activity. Robyn moved back to the far side of the patio, putting the grill, the table, and all the chairs between herself and the snake. I stretched out the hoe, preparing to place it on–
"You’re standing too close," Robyn said. "It makes me nervous."
I cast an askew glance at my wife, and shuffled back a bit. I was already a hoe-length from the snake. Plenty far, given that the snake was maybe two feet long. I reached out with the hoe again and lowered it to–
"Be careful!" Robyn said.
"Jesus Christ, Bessie."
"What? I don’t want you to get bit!"
"If you don’t want me to get bit, let me focus all my attention on the snake and not you."
"Sorry."
I touched the snake with the hoe, and he struck. His head thudded off the metal blade and he fell back to the grass.
From her vantage point twenty feet away, my wife shrieked and ran around in circles.
"Jesus, Bessie!"
"YOU ALMOST GOT BITTEN!"
"I did not almost get bitten. I didn’t even come close to getting bitten."
I finished up with the snake, still sad over having to do it, and sealed its body in a box which is now in our trash. Having never killed a snake before, I’ll say this: it’s a whole lot harder than you’d think. In retrospect, I wish I’d gotten the shovel instead.
What is it with me and the snakes?
Full-size version of this picture is here. Please save it if you’re
planning to look at it again, because it’s over a meg.
GAH!
My reaction exactly! GAH!
Such a pretty snake…sorry you had to kill it, but of course you did the right thing.
Glad the kittys weren’t hurt.
SO glad we don’t have snakes in New Zealand! We only have 2 venemous spiders as well - pretty lucky!
My two questions are this…
When is Robyn going to get her journal entry on this action up? I would LOVE to see the “womans” take on her side of the action, although your take is quite the barrel of hilarity
and
Why didn’t you jump on the snake, wrangle it like Steve Irwin would, Taking pics and pointing out all the cool stuff to Robyn while taking pics??? Hehee, couldn’t help it, had to ask
Oh, BTW, noticed that you have Velocity on your “reading” list… have you read “The Taking” yet? It’s a good one! Reading “False Memory” now, bit hard to get into at first. Love ole Dean though
Carol — thanks for reminding me I needed to change the reading thing; I finished Velocity a couple of days ago. Yeah, I’ve read The Taking. I’ve actually read every single Koontz book except for the first of the two Frankenstein books he just did (I’m waiting for the second to come out before I start the first). He’s one of my favorite (if not my favorite) authors.
I loved the way The Taking took the turn, makes you think.. Hmmmmm Up until about two years ago I had never missed a book either but, I have a lot of catching up to do on my reading, I am behind on a few of his books. Less time to read since the hubby came home from Iraq with his recovery, but am thankfully catching up now.
LOLOL
Funny thing… My two favorite Authors.. Dean Koontz and Stephen King. I am a “wanna be author” currently working on a novel.. guess what kind? Indian Romance novel!! Hahaa! Am I off or what? My husband says I am off center a bit
I went to the shed and got the hoe, the official tool for killing snakes in the south,
I read this and thought, “hmmmm, interesting. In the north, we use shovels.” And tried to mentally weigh the potential strengths of using a hoe instead.
So this, In retrospect, I wish I’d gotten the shovel instead. Cracked me up!
Glad the kitties were unscathed!
“Women”!?! I LIKE snakes!
In my defense, I’m not really scared of snakes. I don’t share Fred’s love of them, but I’m not usually run-around-screaming scared of them, either. It was the “poisonous” part of the equation that had me freaked out. That, plus Fred was REALLY close to the damn thing.
Shovels are the snake and rodent killing weapons of the Northwest too.
I am glad the kitties are ok.
I’m about like you are with snakes Fred. I like having the “good” ones around, but the poisonous ones around the house (which I’ve yet to see after 20 years), are dead snakes walking. (or something like that!).
Oh, Fred, I see some long fescue in your yard. ;^)
::::Shiver:::: I hate snakes! Any kind of snakes EWWWW
I’m glad you found it before any of the kitties (or anyone else) got hurt though.
I have goosebumps now
Thank God I am a girl. I don’t think I could kill a snake!
We just had to kill a copperhead in our yard this week, too. My 4 yr old daughter was the one who spotted it and did exactly what she has been taught. Run and Scream!!!
She came in to tell me about it and was screaming and crying and excited all at the same time.
BTW, we use hoes in Texas too. To me, the only good snake is a dead one.
I didn’t know I could actually curl my toes up to my ass in my chair at work! I have no phobias EXCEPT snakes….I don’t even like pictures of snakes! In my opinion you should of “hoed” it AND “shoveled” it!
Copperheads, freak me out, seriously.
One year we had a (bushel, gaggle, bunch?”) ok, ALOT of them around under our deck. My hubby found them whilst weedeating.
I didn’t know he could jump that high or had such a high falsetto..hmm.
I found one outside in the flower garden while weedeating, just inches from my hand! My neighbor cut his head off with a machete.. lol.. we do have a pet cornsnake and he is real sweet!
I grew up in the woods in southwestern Mobile county, there is a river in the backyard of our house there. Needless to say my family has a lot of experience with cottonmouths and copperheads. Once when I was a baby my mom saw that our airdale(sp?) was mock-attacking something in the yard and she went to investigate. She grew up in west Texas and has her own childhood fears of huge rattlers. Well, she saw the snake, went to the shed and brought back a hoe, of course! Then proceeded to chop the thing up into seven or eight severely dead pieces. Over-reaction? Who can say. (The imagery it conjures make me giggle even now).
In my childhood and teen years we lost two dogs and three outdoor cats to snake bite. I am so glad that Spot and the other kitties dodged the bullet this time, you guys have become part of my everyday life and it would be like loosing a pet to me as well. And…a hoe is SO much better than a shovel (longer handle)!
P.S. Why does reminiscing about something in your childhood make you sound like a ninty yearold codger? I’m only 24!
Very neat. My husband is terrified of snakes… I would have loved to be able to take those pictures.
Hoe, shovel, car, anything to kill that damn snake. Last copperhead we had was last November. (I am in Alabama too and it was warm.) The cats were circling it. So, Ed being a half-ass northerner got the shovel. I don’t care what he uses as long as it is DEAD!!!!!!!!!!