Walking on sunshine
Several weeks ago, I went insane.
Regular readers will remember this. I wrote about it, but I’m too damn lazy to go find the entries and link to them. Over the few months prior, my mood grew blacker and blacker, and I began having rage episodes almost daily. When they happened, my mind was a scary place full of intense pressure, red veils of fury, and whispering voices telling me there was an easy way to make the pressure go away.
The rage was evident to my wife. Robyn says I was “a little pissy” during that time, which is telling because she also says I tend to deadpan comments like “I’m really angry right now” on the rare occasions we have arguments. Going from “deadpan” to “a little pissy” might give you an idea of the monumental pressure and anger I felt.
Then again, “a little pissy” certainly doesn’t do those feelings justice.
I became concerned enough to go see Dr. Judy and find out what she recommended. As it turns out, she recommended pills. Little pills, marching through my body and wreaking havoc on my sex life (sorry, spud) while they altered the chemicals in my brain enough that I stopped being angry all the time.
First came Paxil, which turned me into a brain-dead sack of stupid (ie, a Republican) until I called Dr. Judy in desperation and begged for something else. Lexapro followed the Paxil, and while I didn’t feel retarded on it, I had the same sexual issues (sorry, spud) while I took it. After the Lexapro, she tried Cymbalta, which gave me the same problem.
Finally, I pitched the Cymbalta into the trash and decided I’d figure out a way to live with the anger. That lasted all of two or three days, until the chemicals in my brain started being completely out of whack from the sudden stop in happy pills. I went from mostly happy to a state of constant insane rage. Seriously, I felt like I was going to have a stroke all the time, with my pulse pounding in my temples and my vision tinged with crimson.
So I called Dr. Judy again and asked for something else, preferably not something that tweaked around with seratonin levels in my brain.
I got Wellbutrin. Taking it was better than all the SSRIs, because it works differently in your body so there aren’t sex issues. On the Wellbutrin, I still had a tendency to get angry, but it was easily pushed back down. Not gone like with the SSRIs, but definitely manageable.
Full disclosure: this could be related to the fact that I was taking half the prescribed dose. I think my feelings on taking pills are well documented.
Unfortunately, the Wellbutrin appeared to have another side effect. I use the word “appeared” because while it seems related, it’s entirely possible that it wasn’t (correlation vs. causation, and all that). In the three weeks I was on Wellbutrin, I had four cold sores, bang bang bang bang. I’m not a cold sore getter. I have one, maybe two, a year. Four in three weeks is unheard of for me.
The reason I suspect the Wellbutrin is two-fold. First, I sometimes get cold sores when I get a new medication (though it could actually be the “getting sick” that led to the medication that did it, too). Second, as my mother grows older, she gets more and more sensitive to certain foods and most medications, and gets cold sores with almost every single medicine she takes.
Yay, genetics!
In any case, a couple of weeks ago I decided that only half-curing the anger wasn’t worth the pain-in-the-ass level of a constant stream of fever blisters. So, as with the Paxil, the Lexapro, and the Cymbalta, I pitched the Wellbutrin into the trash.
This is where the story takes an interesting turn, but I have to give you some more backstory.
About a month ago, a certain situation around our house finally reached a happy resolution. You’ll know more about this soon if you read Robyn’s site. This resolution eased a lot of external tensions (not marital tensions, but outside-the-home ones) and ended what had caused much stress for over a year.
Don’t bother asking or guessing in the comments, it’s not germane to the story.
A little over three weeks ago, I discovered the most fantastic thing ever: I could lift weights again, three times a week, with no pain at all. None. Nada. Further, I found that I could use the elliptical trainer three times a week without making my knee hurt.
The long and short of it? My workout life was back to normal. Back to pre-accident days. Three days of weights—not quite the poundage I used to do, but a good damn start—and three days of cardio. No more stress, no more frustration from the shoulder injury, no aching knee.
And two weeks out from throwing away the Wellbutrin, I can confidently say I’m walking on sunshine. The anger is gone, completely and totally. I haven’t had a single incident or even come close. I find that things that brought down the red veil no longer faze me at all.
Even drivers on cell phones can’t do it, though they still make me grumble under my breath.
It’s like the old Fred came back as soon as life normalized. Robyn’s always told me I’m like Rainman in that I get bent out of shape when my routines are disrupted. Apparently that’s not too far from the truth, and totally wreaking havoc on my life for almost a year was enough to make me crazy.
It’s good to be back.
Interestingly enough, remember last Sunday when I realized my shin splint was healed and I could hike again? That was the last time I had anything at all to do with jigsaw puzzles, too. It’s weird, really. I mean, the instant I could hike I completely and totally lost interest in putting together puzzles.
Make of that what you will.
(I still love the dookie puzzles though, and work a couple of those every night)
If you’re a fan of Israel Kamakawiwo’ole’s haunting rendition of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” (scroll down a little, there’s a RealPlayer link to the whole song if you don’t know what I’m talking about), this is a fascinating story. Sad, too.
Speaking of sad things, I find it amusing that despite the fact that I’m the big Smallville fan in the house, Robyn is the one who cried during last night’s episode.
Warm January means it’s time to go out and play
Ya know exercise effects the same part of the brain as drugs, alcohol and junk/sugary foods.You were jonesing my friend! =)
What up, Spanky!
oy vey, Smallville. Damn that Clark for going back to ask Jor-El for the favor. Should have been Lana, should have been Lana, should have been Lana!!!!!
I understand . . . I get pissy (not in the way you do, just bitchy as hell) when I can’t work out. I managed to do 15 minutes on my trainer tonight; have to sit straight up. Normal bike position still hurts. But, things are progressing. I think that, done right, exercise is addictive.
Very nice, Fred. I think that’s wonderful =o)
Thank you for the link to Israel Kamakawiwo’ole’s Over the Rainbow. I’ve heard it on several different occasions, but I was never able to catch who did it. The back story was wonderful. Thanks again for sharing.
Always my pleasure to share the good things, Von.
He he . . I told you
Now for the cold sores get some L-Lysine and take it twice a day. It is for herpes sufferers who swear by it. For cold sore people the result is either none or just one every great once in a while that isn’t nearly as serious as usual 
I’ve been taking it for two years and in that time have only had one cold sore. I used to get six or eight a year.
The cold sores are gone now, thank God, since I pitched the Wellbutrin. Though I *look* like I have a huge one because shithead Mister Boogers knocked a big lamp off the table onto my mouth [picture (yes, I skipped the razor yesterday)] last night while we were watching TV.
Generally, when I feel a cold sore coming I start putting Abreva on it and it rarely even blisters up. That’s some good medicine right there.
Glad to hear you are back on the up and up (heh) Fred! You are the proverbial “man”!
I remember the first time I heard that version of Rainbow was on the Etoys commercial. A man was going through the carwash and watching his little kid in the back seat who was fascinated with the rainbow colored foam. The guy then searches Etoys for a carwash toy and soon he and junior are playing with the FP carwash. All the while that beautiful song is playing. I had my in-laws pick up Facing Future when they were in Hawaii. Love it. Thanks for the link to that story.
Fred, you take good care of your sweet lady while she’s recovering! She’s my favorite journaler and I want her back asap.
My doc’s first line of defense is exercise. He says that if your levels are just a little low, exercise will help speed up production naturally. The pills are for when you can’t do things the other way. Or when doing things the other way doesn’t work.
I’m glad that you don’t need to take them. Also that you can get back to using your body, which seems to be something you love doing very much.
Thanks for Sharing Israel Kamakawiwo’ole’s “Somewhere over the Rainbow”
I had never heard of this man before reading your entry and by the end of the day I kept hearing his name or his song playing on someones webpage (myspace). I got chills by his voice and…
I vote with the person who said you were jonesing. Exercise
makes your brain produce endorphins, and those directly affect
all your feel-good centres. So when you take those away,
it isn’t good, and no wonder you felt pissy. I’m so glad
you can exercise again. I have a cousin who has actual severe
panic attacks when she can’t exercise, so I know how bad it
can be. Nature just intended some people to keep moving.
About Robyn, I know this is your site and not hers, but some
of us would love a few updates. How is she feeling? Can she
get around at all yet? The very best of luck to her, and I
sure hope that all continues to go very well indeed.
Hey Fred, glad to hear you’re off the depression medicine. I’m an avid runner and notice a HUGE difference in my temper when I can’t run due to timing, weather or injury. I’ve read a lot on the subject and all the studies conclude that exercise is the only way to go in raising serotonin levels to a degree that keeps you in a “good” mood. No side effects either!
Take care of Robyn.
Marian: About Robyn, I know this is your site and not hers, but some of us would love a few updates. How is she feeling? Can she get around at all yet? The very best of luck to her, and I sure hope that all continues to go very well indeed.
Don’t worry, she’ll be telling you all about it when she’s ready. I wouldn’t want to spoil any of her story.
Also, I just got another damn cold sore, so it would appear it wasn’t the Wellbutrin after all. Obviously my life is just too stressful.
That or I’ve caught the herpes off a toilet seat.
I was just thinking you should stop kissing the toilet seat.
Heh. “The” herpes. Shouldn’t the cold sore be on your arse then??
Howdy Fred! Thanks so much for the link to the Over the Rainbow song & story. Man, that IS sad. Makes the incredible recording seem more poignant, if that is even possible. I’m gonna have to check out the guy’s CD. Wow. Thanks again, Kathy
Like beckajo, that is my doctors first response to moodiness or depression. EXERCISE. That said, I have been on Effexor for the past 3 years and love the way it keeps me level. Having had a history of depression and anxiety all my life I recommend you try it next time you feel the need to have drugs coursing through your body
Hope you are spoiling Robyn post surgery, she is a sweetheart.