Quite contrary
Our lot in Smallville is about 4.5 acres. It used to be five, but the previous owner sold off a half-acre to her father, who prepped the lot and put a triple wide trailer on it. It’s a nice little place, 1800 square feet or so, and very well maintained. The current resident, the son of the man who owns the lot, is quiet and keeps to himself. Other than a propensity for walking around mostly naked (he’s old and, um, pretty stout), he’s a perfect neighbor.
A few weeks ago, while I was out in the back yard building the chicken coop, the owner of that lot stopped by to cut the grass. He’s about as old as God, but still likes to get out and keep active. I hope I’m that spry when I’m pushing ninety. When he finished with grass, he put the riding mower away, rested for a bit on the glider in the back yard, then moseyed over to see me.
And told me words I didn’t want to hear: he was putting the place up for sale.
We chatted a bit more (he told me he’d try to get me some good neighbors, and that I should pray about it) and he left. I raced inside to tell Robyn, and we fretted about it for a bit. We talked about how we’d like to buy the place and sell the house off it, but really, we’d lose our asses if we did something like that. Mostly we were concerned about what kind of neighbors we’d get.
The next week, a for sale sign went up in the front yard. Time passed, and we didn’t ever see anyone showing interest in the house. We continued to talk non-seriously about buying it. Then, one day last week I got a call at work from Robyn.
“Someone’s looking at the house,” she hissed.
“Why are you whispering?”
“Because I’m on the front porch, trying to eavesdrop. It’s two men.”
“Like gay guys? I wouldn’t mind having a nice quiet gay couple move in next door. We could bond over show tunes.”
“No, it looks more like a father and son. They look pretty interested. They’re dressed like yuppies. Like they’re going to buy it and rent it out to bad neighbors.”
We talked in this vein until the men left, then I had Robyn walk over and get the phone number off the for sale sign. I called the owner.
“Mister Cooper?” I asked when he answered.
“Yup.”
I told him my name, then to remind him I explained that I owned the property next door to him.
“My wife and I have been talking about maybe buying your house so we can get the property back, sell the house off it and use the land.”
I launched into my spiel about how I don’t like to play negotiating games, that if he’d just tell me what he was looking to get — not what he was asking, but what he’d take — I’d talk to Robyn and we could come to some sort of decision. He told me the asking price, then allowed that he’d probably take a little less.
It was still more than I expected.
“We’ve just been talking and, well, we’re a little concerned about the potential new neighbors,” I said. “We don’t want to get bad neighbors. You know, people who’d make all kinds of noise at all hours, run the place down, have kids running around everywhere screaming, and ignore our property lines.”
Like Mexicans.
I’m kidding. Robyn will tell you I love me some shock value humor. Seriously, that was a joke. I don’t really think that about Mexicans.
“I know what you mean,” he said. “I tell you, I’ve had some people call that I hope don’t call me back.”
“I heard that,” I said, because it seemed like the right thing.
“Don’t get me wrong,” he said. “I’ve had black neighbors before who were alright, but…you know?”
And there it was, out on the table like a big stinky turd. I sat in silence, not knowing what to say. Now, God knows I make my share of politically incorrect jokes based on stereotypes when I’m with Robyn (or very rarely on this site like I did above), but she knows I’m teasing for the shock value and I made it clear above that I was kidding around. Running into people who truly make (and believe) sweeping judgements about people because of their skin color always makes me sad.
There’s a potential good side to this. Without exception, every single instance of racism against black people in my adult life has come from an old white man. Maybe when that generation is gone we’ll be a step closer to minimizing it. Only fools believe it can be eradicated.
“Alrighty,” I said. “Thanks for letting me know about the price. I’ll talk it over with my wife, and you may be hearing back from us soon.”
We said our goodbyes and hung up.
Right now, we’re adopting a wait-and-see attitude. If we get good neighbors, great. If they’re not-so-good, I can always plant an evergreen hedge around the perimeter of their property, right?
I know someone out there is itching to post a preachy comment about how jokes like the one I made above are “part of the problem” of racism. Please see if you can refrain. Really, sometimes a joke is just a joke.
Speaking of property, let’s take a look around and see how things are going in Smallville.
One of two blueberry bushes I planted. Robyn and I have many arguments
about planting things. She always wants flowers planted, whereas I don’t want
to plant anything I’m not going to eat at some point.
Except roses, which she won’t let me have, because she’s evil.
The four trees below came from an online nursery that prides itself in having fast growing trees. I treated these trees like children when they got here, pampering them in pots indoors before planting them outside. They were FORTY DOLLARS EACH, easily the most expensive trees I’d ever bought. But that’s okay, because the nursery (you’ll have to figure out the name yourself) assured me they were the fastest growing trees I’d ever see.
Here’s what they look like now:
Apple one.
Apple two.
Peach one.
Peach two.
All the trees below came from Lowe’s, and cost SEVENTEEN DOLLARS each. I planted them, gave them a little water and fertilizer, and that was that.
Peach tree one.
It has one little peach, which looks to have survived the cold snap
a couple of weeks ago.
Peach tree two
Plum tree one.
Plum tree two.
Apple tree one.
Apple tree two.
Look, ma, a baby apple!
How ’bout them apples?
This apple tree is covered with them so far. If memory serves, they’re Fuji. Or Gala.
I don’t know if the Lowe’s trees are fast growing or not, but they seem happy. I’ll leave it up to you to make up your mind on which set of trees was the better deal.
Miss Mama likes nothing more than following us all over the property.
Any time we take a walk around the back forty, she tags along. If I’m working
out in the yard, she’s right there with me, rolling around in the dirt.
If we didn’t already have so many cats, I’d almost want to adopt her.
And here’s how my garden grows (so far) :
Corn
Green beans (pole beans)
Black beans
Eggplant
Maters
Onions (we planted 160. Heh)
Spinach
Dewy spinach, up close
Peppers (jalapeno). Green peppers are growing in that row, too.
Sugar snap peas
Squash (I think)
We’re still waiting to see okra, cukes, melons, more squash, and black-eyed peas. Those all like it hot, so it may be a while before they’re up.
I was on a weed jihad today, spraying Roundup (that’s right, greenies, Round-Up. From the Satan of all companies itself, Monsanto) in the ditch to kill the weeds there. When that was finished, I got out the brush killer and attacked the poison ivy that threatens our very existence. That. Shit. Is. Everywhere.
And I fucking HATE it.
Poison ivy, on the house. Uck.
And, because no entry would be complete without a visit with the girls…
Any time I’m near the fence Frick comes running, because I usually have worms.
If any of the chickens are going to be like pets, it’ll be Frick. He likes to be held and stroked.
What cock doesn’t, right?
And if I stand there a second, more come to see if I have treats.
if I wait long enough, almost everyone shows up.
The girls enjoy some shade under the hog-panel hoophouse I made for them.
Well now. There’s a sentence I never thought I’d type in this lifetime.
I took some leftover steak and baked potato out to the girls after
lunch this afternoon. Did you know chickens are omnivores, and love meat?
What’cha doin’ there, bub?
I really like the big version of this picture.
Something about the way the two in the background are in such sharp focus makes
it humorous to me. I dunno why.
Pardon me, do you have any more worms, sir?
Should my wife tell tales of me rooting around for hours on end in a pile of rotting leaves, looking for worms to give the chickens, she’s lying through her teeth and will probably go to hell.
This is Oscar, so-named because she looks like an ostrich.
She’s one of only three that got names.
Everyone loves steak and baked potato, don’t they?
To give you an idea of how entertaining (and dumb) chickens are, witness the video I shot while the girls were enjoying the leftover steak and baked tater. Any time a chicken thinks another chicken has something good to eat, they want to take it away. Never mind the fact that there are PILES of good-to-eat stuff right there for the taking. Of course, the first chicken is part of the problem too, because she always announces when she’s got something good to eat, thus getting the attention of the others.
Below, Oscar has gotten herself a bit of steak and some of the others want it.
Go, Oscar!
Now seriously. How could someone NOT want chickens around with that kind of entertainment going on all the time?
I hope you get some awesome neighbors or, better, win the lotto so you can buy the place!
You know the bunnies are all in the woods licking their chops in anticipation of that garden growing =)
Bamboo! Just make sure it’s contained in some way or it will get away from you … but it’s the perfect privacy screen.
Wow,your yard looks great,especially the chicken coop in the background.You’re a great chicken daddy. This time next year you will have grandbirds!
Thanks for relating your experiences with the fast growing tree place. I had discovered their website last month and was seriously considering spending a lot of money with them.
Ebay has a lot of larger trees for sale-think I might buy myself a palm tree.
There is one good thing about the fast growing tree website-it has a lot of info about each species of tree. I had not before heard of most of the trees they recommended for my particular state.
Fred,have you ever thought of photoshopping pics of you and Robyn in the style of the American Gothic painting? For some reason the theme to Green Acres is playing in my head as I imagine what that would look like…
Adorable! You have to put up more vids of the chicks… and your cock of course… The one in the yard with the chicks of course! Dirty minded people.. I swear!
Everything looks great Fred! Your shadow in the garden pics freaked me out…looks like bigfoot is taking the pics.
Back when we had our chickens, both my dear wife and I commented how the chickens are really fun animals to have. Something about the clucking and their funny personalities … they just brought smiles to our faces.
Debbie: And I lick my lips in anticipation of fried rabbit (which Robyn has already informed me she won’t be eating, so any haters can direct the hate at me for eating Thumper), which I haven’t had since I was a kid, when Grandpa Fred taught me how to shoot rabbits in the garden.
leslie: thanks for the suggestion — bamboo’s way to run-away-y for me.
I’m thinking some sort of evergreen hedge right now. With stickers if there are kids involved.
KIDDING AGAIN.
rundmc: Believe it or not, one of Robyn’s readers did a pretty good ’shop of us in that very picture. I’m not sure if Robyn ever posted it, or if it’s a logo for her site, or what, but it was funny (except the only picture of me they had to use was the one where I have the umbrella-hat on).
Jo: I thought something very similar when I was looking over the pictures again this morning. That’s what I get for taking the pictures in the a.m. with the sun behind me. In the onion picture, it’s a distinct Jabba-the-Hutt shape, whereas the one above it you nailed with the Bigfoot comparison.
Martin: Obviously this means it’s time for more chickens for you.
Fred, run, don’t walk to the seller and buy that sucker. Become the landlord and then you can control who your neighbors are and their activities or one morning you’ll wake up next to a full fledged dirt bike track and you won’t be able to think because of the dust and noise and your chickens will lose all their feathers. Ask me how I know….
Ugh, neighbors. My fiance and I are going to try to buy a house this summer, and the potential neighbors are what scares me the most. The worst thing about neighbors is that you can’t pick ‘em, and you just never know. We currently live in a duplex and our downstairs neighbor could probably win the Worst Neighbor Ever award- she’s the landlord’s daughter so she gets away with having 3 dogs, which bark, shit in the yard, stink etc…. She also has no job so she’s up all hours of the night making noise and in general is just an inconsiderate bitch. And the worst thing is we can’t say anything about it.
I’m an artist and my fiance is a historian, and we are in our early 30s. We don’t make a whole lot of money, so the houses we’ll be looking at will all be in sort of ‘developing’ neighborhoods, so chances are there might be a Bubba or a Jethro next door to us, and that puts fear in both of our hearts. However, even if we could afford a nice, affluent neighborhood, there’s potential for asshole neighbors there as well. The sad fact is that most people are so caught up in their own insular worlds that they don’t think about others. I wish that wasn’t the case, but it seems to be more of the norm these days.
I hope if you don’t buy the property that you end up with decent neighbors. There’s nothing like shitty people that cause a whole lot of rain on your parade. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for all of us!
Fred - happy St George’s day. I do envy the earliness of your season there. Your veges look great. I’m still waiting for the soil to warm up so I can sow. You need to check the varieties of apples you have got are self fertile or will pollinate one another (Something to do with the blossoming dates I think), of course you may have done that as you’ve obviously got no problems with at least 1 of ‘em!
‘Any time I’m near the fence Frick comes running, because I usually have worms.’
that cracked me up
Fred, make a compost pile. That way you can have wonderful compost for your garden - get rid of your scraps from the kitchen and garden and best of all…. Tons of worms (for your girls) when you turn the compost!!
I agree with the other poster - run to buy that property if you can and you control who you rent to.
I luv your chickens! Hey, you could build a second area and have the fancy “show” chickens!!!!
This is one of the most entertaining and charming blog posts I have seen in a long time. I love seeing confirmation of my assertion that chickens (like cows) are inherently funny.
You make me want to have chickens now. I’m afraid my three kitties will bring them some harm, though. And I don’t know if this suburban house is zoned for them.
Hey There! Thank you so much for the update on fastgrowingtrees! We bought our new place on the exact same day as you and Robin and our yard needs mucho work. We probably won’t get to it this year as we’re concentrating on gutting and remodeling the kitchen. But I’d bookmarked fastgrowingtrees as they had everything I wanted from willows to maples to cherries. We’ll steer clear of them now.
http://www.amazon.com/Ruth-Stout-No-Work-Garden-Book/dp/0878570004/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/104-2219877-6031167?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1177810868&sr=1-1
My husband was looking at the pictures of your garden, and he highly recommends this book. He had a 50 by 100 foot garden and never had to weed or hoe AT ALL with this method. It works using hay/straw, which he says he never had to pay for because hay gets old and people are happy to get rid of it. This was before we were married, and we don’t have a garden right now, but he insists that this is the way to go. I also have an uncle who has taken his advice and is gardening this way now, too.
When your Rooster gets older, you’ll notice how when he finds food, he’ll call the ladies over with a special sound. It’s really cool. And I’ve yet to find anything our chickens won’t eat. They’re little eating robots, chickens are.
Dawn, I live in the suburbs and have two chickens (Found on the street…Easter rescues 5 years ago). It’s a small backyard and we also have two dogs and three cats, and everyone leaves the chickens alone. Cats might mess with baby chicks, but once the chickens are full grown the cats want nothing to do with them.
Dawn,
We have several outside adult cats and one chicken. The chicken, Henny, very much rules the roost. If a cat gets out of line, Henny has no problem strutting over and pecking them right on the head. I don’t think you’ll have any problem with the cats and chickens as long as the chickens are full grown.
Fred - perhaps you’ve already seen this website, but in case you haven’t, I give you http://www.randomchicken.com/.
Happy viewing!