Rabid animal lover
Robyn leaned in and kissed me goodbye. She was off to the pet store to do her volunteer thing with the kitties, and I was parked in front of the computer to check the day’s news until it was late enough for me to go outside and work on my shed without worrying about disturbing the neighbors. I’ve been looking forward to today, because the day off for the holiday gives me an extra day to work around the property.
Early in the morning on a day off is one of my favorite times. I spend two or three hours surfing, plopped in my chair in my undies and a t-shirt with my big bubba mug of coffee in hand. It’s a great way to start the day relaxed, which I usually need because once I start working on things I tend to get stressed over the number of things that go wrong. It’s annoying when something that should take an hour, like changing plugs on a truck, ends up taking three. Or changing transmission fluid takes half the day because the auto parts store gave you the wrong part. Twice.
I was getting up to refill my coffee when I heard it: a loud crash from the laundry room, as if one of the cats had run into the door at full speed. When you have a houseful of cats, one of them is always doing something attention-worthy.
As I walked through the kitchen, Miss Stinkerbelle came racing out of the laundry room with her tail tucked between her legs. She looked guiltily up at me as she raced by.
There was apparently a committee meeting going on between the screen door and the inside door. When I got into the laundry room I saw no less than three cat hind ends sticking out from that small space. I figured one of them was the cause of the loud sound, and the other two were there to investigate, like the Hardy boys. I pulled the inner door open wide to see what was up.
There was a tiny squirrel cowering on the threshold, his dark eyes wide with fear. Though he’d been frozen in fear, when he saw me he squealed in fright, which caused all three cats to pounce. In an instant, I was standing in a cartoonish whirlwind of cat and squirrel, still kind of dumbfounded by the whole situation. I did what I thought was best: I pushed the screen door open for him to go outside.
The squirrel raced down the back steps, closely followed by the cats. They took turns swatting him and biting at him, and the whole caravan worked its way along the house, over the air conditioners, and to the lone tree in the fenced part of our property.
Which the poor squirrel couldn’t climb because I wrapped flashing around it several months ago to keep the cats from climbing it.
He would race up the tree to the flashing, try to climb it, then fall back into the waiting crowd of cats. I felt so bad for the poor thing. He was going to die if I didn’t do something, and do it quickly. I frantically searched the top of the washer and dryer for some dirty clothes, something I could wear, but I couldn’t find anything.
So I stepped into some sneakers and raced out the door in my underwear and a t-shirt, yelling at the cats.
The squirrel saw me coming and made a mad dash across the yard, closely followed by the cats, and more distantly by me. Around the patio, under the clothesline, past the chicken yard, and finally back to the tree. This time, he ran up to the bottom of the flashing and stopped. I got there just as the cats did and used my hands to keep them from jumping up at him. At the same time, I talked soothingly to the squirrel to try and calm him.
While he didn’t look calm, he stopped darting around and clung to the tree.
The cats circled warily, their tails whipping from side to side. Outside the fence, Miss Mama and Newt slunk back and forth, staring in at us intently.
My mind raced. What to do? If I left to find something to catch him in, the cats would get him. If I didn’t do anything, the cats would get him because there was no escape. Left and right I ruled out options in a flash, until there was only one viable solution.
I reached out and touched the squirrel, talking softly to him. He let me stroke him, then gently pluck him off the tree. He squealed a couple of times, and wriggled at first, but then he stopped. His eyes started to close, and he went limp.
Oh my God, I thought. He’s going to die in my hands, just like all the birds I’ve rescued.
His eyes opened wide again, and he looked alert. Then slowly they closed. Open. Closed.
He’s going through his death throes.
Then they opened, and stayed open. I guessed he was just suffering from the aftershocks of all the adrenalin. When it looked like he was going to live, I realized I had a problem: I was standing in the backyard in my underwear holding a squirrel, surrounded by cats both inside the yard and out, with nothing to put the squirrel in to transport him to safety.
And if I was going to get close enough to a squirrel to hold it, I was by God going to get some pictures.
We all have our priorities, you know.
I walked around, looking desperately for something, anything, to contain the squirrel. I debated shutting him in the chicken coop until I could go find a box, but then I caught a flash of what it would be like trying to crawl around in the chicken poop trying to catch him again and discarded that. What about the grill? I could shut him in the grill, then—
No, scratch that.
I looked at the back door.
I could carry him into the house, find a box, and put him in that.
Then I imagined the phone call I’d inevitably have to make to Robyn.
“Hey,” I’d say. “I, um, lost a squirrel in the house.”
That would be even worse than the time I lost a snake in my car, I think.
Then I caught sight of the laundry hanging on the line. Linens. Including the pillowcases off Robyn’s bed.
Perfect.
I walked over to the clothesline and undid the two clothespins holding one of the pillowcases with my free hand. It dropped to the ground, and I picked it up and shook it open. The squirrel wriggled in my hand when I did, and I quickly thrust him into the pillowcase.
He immediately raced onto the hand holding the pillowcase, leapt, and hit the ground running. The cats were right on his tail, and chased him straight to the tree. I ran over and grabbed at him again, only this time he wasn’t all tired out and panicked. He was feeling froggy. As I pulled him off the tree, he turned his head and chomped my finger with his little squirrel teeth, causing me to drop him. He made a mad dash to get away from the cats, climbing the nearest thing that towered above him like a tree.
And that’s how I came to be dancing around the backyard in my underwear this morning, clutching a lavendar pillowcase in one flailing hand, with a herd of cats milling around my feet and a squirrel clinging to my thigh.
I brushed the squirrel off my leg and he immediately jumped at me again.
And that’s how I came to be running around the backyard in my underwear this morning, chased by a squirrel and a herd of cats.
He gave up trying to climb me after a few tries, and went back for the tree. I was able to use the pillowcase to catch him this time. As I did, I noticed my finger was bleeding where he bit me.
I carried the pillowcase into the house and called Robyn.
“I don’t really know any way to even lead into this, so I’ll just tell you,” I said. “I’ve been bitten by a squirrel.”
“Oh, Jesus Christ,” she said. “How the hell did you manage that?”
I told her the story and she decided to come back home to go to the emergency room with me if I needed to go. When we hung up, I called the vet’s office to see what their suggestion was. I don’t really think of squirrels when I think of rabies, but better safe than sorry.
“Go to the emergency room,” I was told. “They may want to give you shot, because it’s not like you can catch the squirrel and bring it in.”
“Nope,” I said, and pulled the pillowcase behind my back in case she could see through the phone. I didn’t want the little guy to have to die because of my actions.
When Robyn got home, we let the squirrel go, and I decided to go to the emergency room on my own.
Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to go to the emergency room over a tiny little scratch on one finger?
I asked to talk to a nurse before doing anything, because I didn’t really think my squirrel bite was an emergency. I just wanted to know if I needed a shot or not. As it turns out, squirrels almost never have rabies, and the nurse said I should just keep an eye on it to make sure it doesn’t get infected.
And that, boys and girls, is how I’ve spent my Veterans Day holiday so far.
Note the blood on my right index finger.
I am compelled to touch any animal that gets within reach.
That thing between my left thumb and forefinger is where a jackstand dropped
and pinched me yesterday, making a blister of blood that squirted when I popped it.
Desperate to get away now.
Free at last!
This is for those who feel compelled to lecture.
And baby said?
OMG - I had forgotten that movie! Labyrinth was my kids’ favorite move ever in the 1980s - we actually owned the vidoe at one time, and I must have watched it a thousand times…
GASP! for air. I just scared ShellBee Cat out of 1 of her 9 lives and woke Mom from her nap. Only you or Robyn would get into a fix like that. Thanks so much for the laugh.
Heh. That reminded me of a story a friend told me about the time two squirrels fell down her parents’ chimney. Her Dad put on his work gloves and reached in and grabbed one of the squirrels, which promptly bit him badly on the hand. When he went to the doctor to have the bite treated, the doctor said, “Now, you know those things can bite through hickory nuts - why on earth did you think one would have any trouble biting through your leather work gloves?”
Aww..whta a cute little squirrel but I’m curious as to how it got in between the screen door and the inside door? Did one of the other cats bring it in??
Holy crap, thank you — a good laugh was just what I needed to energize myself for the rest of the day.
Oh, and that squirrel is the cutest thing ever. You should send the picture to Cute Overload.
I am sitting here all alone laughing my ass off. My dog is looking at me like I am crazy. I can always count on you and Robyn to put a smile on my face. I sure wish I was your neighbor Fred!!!!
I’m crying from laughing so hard. What a visual!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…..Never a dull moment when Fred’s around!
WTF is that video? That CAN”T be a real movie!
What is I am finding almost (almost) as hilarious as your adventures this morning is the google ads at the bottom of the entry for ‘Squirrel Control’ and ‘Cat adoption help’.
God bless you Fred for helping out a critter.
I was feeling down because our house reeks of smoke because yesterday I entered 80 minutes into the microwave’s timer instead of the 8 minutes required to cook a Marie Callendar’s meatloaf dinner.
I feel so much better after reading about your exploits and charity towards animals. Thank you.
Hilarious. My husband came downstairs to find out why I was laughing so hard.
“Fred–The Squirrel Whisperer”….. Coming soon on DVD.
Thanks for the laugh.
Well, ooookaay. If you’re SURE it wasn’t a bat.
Hilarious!!
I was bitten by a squirrel while trying to “save” it after it got hit by a car… the emergency room docs got a good laugh on that day!!
And Labrynth IS a real movie… love it!!
What a laugh! I can always count on you and Robyn to make my day.
That read like something straight out of P.G. Wodehouse - I was crying with laughter in my cube here at work! Brilliant. Wish there was a film…
Hannah, That is a real movie!!!!!!!!
And my favorite of all times!!!
Fred you never fail to entertain. I find myself in situations and say to myself WWFD?
Ok, I would not of picked up the squirrel. I already had an attack from one earlier this year, they are ferocious!
Whew, I’m relieved to hear squirrel bites aren’t dangerous. Now I can laugh guilt-free at the thought of you dancing around the back yard in your underwear being chased by cats and a squirrel!
LOL! Thanks for the great story and lots of laughs.
I have always wondered, is a squirrel’s tail soft and fluffy when you touch it? It looks like it would be.
I’m glad you didn’t need a shot.
I always loved Bowie. I can’t find this movie anywhere..to rent or buy. Even on Amazon.
That poor squirrel! He was probably happy to finally be free!
OMG, I am crying after reading this, I had to put my head down, I couldn’t even read the screen because I was laughing so hard. Excellent entry!
I just checked amazon.com, and they have Labyrinth in stock for $11.99.
“And that’s how I came to be dancing around the backyard in my underwear this morning, clutching a lavendar pillowcase in one flailing hand, with a herd of cats milling around my feet and a squirrel clinging to my thigh.”
now the whole internet is dying to know, Fred… Boxers or Briefs? If you were out there flailing about in your tightie whities, that’s an even funnier mental picture.
Give me a minute to regain my composure after reading that….why could you of not gotten that on video!?!!?
Youtube video of the year…that would have been.
I just had a cruelty case last month for a guy who shot a squirrel with his pellet gun in his backyard. The guy claimed this squirrel was the “head squirrel” and had recruited an army of squirrels to attack him and steal his garden vegetables. Will you have a squirrel army after your garden next year???
Yes, squirrel bites are mighty dangerous… I mean them ‘lil vicious beasts have been known to EAT boy scouts!! With BBQ sauce even!!! Glad you survived…BUT… what did the Wife do with her pretty purple pillowcase(also known as a squirrel sacker)???? HHHMMM???
Thanks, guys, I think. Always good to know my suffering causes others to laugh.
In no particular order:
1. Tighty whities
2. Squirrels are soft and fluffy from head to tail, and I would happily risk being bitten again in order to hold one. I love me some squirrels.
3. The squirrels have far too many feeders to worry themselves with our garden.
4. Labyrinth should be pretty easy to find, even on DVD.
5. I think the squirrel probably came into the back yard through the fence; it has big holes. I think it made it into the house in a cat’s mouth.
6. Be thankful there is no video.
WWFD(What would Fred do?)would make a mighty fine tee shirt slogan.
You can use a pic of one of the cats looking off into space(pondering) to accompany the slogan.
we bought labryrinth for the girls at Circuit City last week, since it was $5. I hadn’t watched it in a long time. Crazy movie. SMELLLL BAAAAAADDD.
Then the other night, we got into the car after dance class, and “Let’s Dance” was on the radio when I cranked it. Cassidy said “What music is that?” I told her it was just the radio. She said “Sounds like Labyrinth.” !!! Ear for music, that one.
I like you.
*gasping for air* I swear I laughed so hard at the visual image of you in the yard in a T-shirt, Tidy whities and tennis shoes with a squirrel clinging onto your butt that my hubby came in and was all… What’s so funny, I told him, but I’m sure I didnt do the story justice!!
Man doesn’t read… silly man!